“I know we had plans for this Saturday. But something came up and I really can’t attend your 50th wedding anniversary party, Mom”

Unfortunately your ovulation cycle does not care whether you have plans or not, when insemination day arrives, all plans get canceled. You wait and wait for this day to come. The day when your partner or donor’s little spermies get inseminated into you. You typically won’t know the exact date until the day before which means you are waiting at the edge of your seat hoping that the day will arrive without having to reschedule any important plans. If you’re smart and know approximately when ovulation will happen, you may try to reschedule your timetable, But those little follicles like to play tricks on you and will arrive when they want to.

“Sorry sister. I will be about an hour late to your wedding. Record the ceremony for me.”

If you really think about it, you really only need to reschedule all plans during that 36 hour ovulation window and maybe the two weeks leading up to ovulation. And maybe just those two weeks after because you will be obsessing about all your (fake) early pregnancy symptoms and won’t be able to think about anything else.

“Sorry. I’m busy on Tuesday. How about we get together the week of December 25th, 2010?”

You see your boss coming towards you and you quickly change your computer screen. Why? Because you have been visiting fertility websites for the last hour.

If you have an office with a door, you may feel confident to browse fertility sites but those open cubicles could lead to trouble. You are baby-obsessed which means that your morning typically starts out with a (decaf) coffee, a quick glance at your work email, a hello to your infertile Twitter friends and a google of your latest pregnancy symptom.

“Just working on that presentation.” You quickly lie to your boss.

Just remember that your company probably owns your computer and has the ability to monitor your work. So at least spice up your searches, and have human resources believe that it’s actually work related. Google words like “fertile presentation,” “pregnancy Excel report” or “cervical fluid office supplies.” It will be much easier to explain yourself later on. You would rather have your boss think you were searching pornography sites than have to explain to HR why you were looking at irarelyovulate.com. When your company starts banning certain fertility sites, you know they are on to you.

For anyone who has a home office, good luck to you!

An open letters to the makers of toilet paper.

Dear Toilet Paper Manufacturer,

I believe we have a real problem with your toilet paper. As a woman struggling with infertility, I stare, analyze and examine your toilet paper on a daily basis. Depending on the day in my cycle, I am either looking for a clear substance (think raw egg whites), a brown or pinkish smudge or a big red splatter to be apparent on the toilet paper (or in my underwear). I am confident that I examine your TP better than any of your staff or health inspectors.

You see, the toilet paper is essential to my day and I have noticed major flaws in your production.

First of all, there are sometimes tiny red or brown dots already present on the white paper BEFORE I wipe. This confuses me to no end – did those red dots come from me or was it present on the paper before I wiped? If I happen to use recyclable paper, there seems to be more dots and smudges already on the paper. I am then forced to wipe again in another location, just to be certain. If you manufacturer white toilet paper, it should be 100 percent white WITHOUT any suspicious smudges! Plus, no one wants to see little stains on a piece of toilet paper anyways. Next time you go into production, please think of the millions of infertile women out there who examine the TP on a daily basis.

Sincerely,

An infertile toilet paper examiner

At your work, you may think that you are the only one experiencing infertility problems, but most likely, there are other women who are in a similar situation.

You hear crying from the bathroom stall and she asks if anyone has an extra tampon.

Fellow infertile blogger, Michele, blogged some great reasons about how to avoid pregnancy.

Here are some other great tips to avoid pregnancy for the infertile gal.

1) Make love often during your fertile period.
2) Monitor your ovulation by charting your temperature or looking at your cervical fluid.
3) Lay down for 30 minutes and do not urinate after sex.
4) Go on powerful fertility drugs and injections.
5) Try costly fertility procedures.
6) Reduce your caffeine and alcohol intake.
7) Read books on conception and how to get pregnant.
Avoid vaginal sprays and scented tampons that could kill sperm.
9) Make sure your partner avoids hot tubs and biking.
10) Exercise and eat healthy.
11) Do not use birth control pills or condoms.
12) See a fertility specialist.

Congratulations! If you follow all of these tips, you will surely NOT get pregnant.

*Disclaimer: Teenage girls, do not follow this advice.