Similar to the five stages of death, when you find out you’re not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial No, this can’t be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I’ll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don’t have cramps this month and it doesn’t “feel” like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger
Well, I’m not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly’s? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining
Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms – please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles – please grow and multiple. I promise not to drink coffee tomorrow and I’ll be the best mother ever. Doctor – please don’t cancel my cycle, I’m okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression
WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what’s the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn’t understand how awful it feels.

Stage five: Acceptance
Well. I guess it’s really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I’m not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it’s really my period. Time to tell my spouse that I’m not pregnant.

You might think finding out you’re not pregnant again is bad but don’t expect sympathy from the dying man beside you. He’s got his own problems.

photo:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4496475_detect-jealous-girlfriendwife.html
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You might have noticed that large wall of baby photos at your fertility clinic office. You know the photos – they are mounted to the wall telling everyone that at least someone had a baby at this clinic. On each visit, you can’t help but eye those sweet little babies and read through those thank you notes posted on the wall.

Dear Doctor Uterus, My mommy and daddy wanted me for so long but nothing was happening. Thank you so much for artificially inseminating my mommy and nine months later, my sisters and I are here!
Love, Babies Mandy, Melly, Shelley and Suzie

But what about the rest of us? Do we really have to see that wall of babies on each visit? How about a wall with infertile/childless couples? Thanks doc, here is a wall of couples you didn’t help.

Dear Doctor Uterus, My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 7 years. We have failed every fertility procedure, and request our money back which was our life savings. We have sold our house and are now living alone in a one bedroom apartment with our 2 cats. We keep ourselves occupied by learning to play the guitar and playing games. Feel free to put our picture up on the wall.
Sincerely, Mr. & Mrs. (Soon-to-be) Separated

For some extra fun on your next appointment, try to count the number of twins and triplets posted the wall. 5 bonus points for any quints.

photo: here

As William Shakespeare once (sort of) said: “To test or not to test, that is the question.”

You have survived the dreaded two week wait and you still have a couple more days until it’s okay to take a pregnancy test. You really want to test early. Can it really hurt to test a couple days early? Let me make the answer easier for you.

DON’T TEST EARLY!

A lot of thoughts go through your head:
- If I test today and it’s positive, I can surprise my husband on his birthday!
- I had a really hard day and this is the only thing that will make me happy.
- Imagine if I test positive and I can surprise my husband on our anniversary!

All those thoughts are really great but only if the test comes back positive. If it comes back negative (like it typically does), your hubby’s birthday is now ruined and you can enjoy a mental breakdown instead of dinner and a movie on your anniversary.

Whatever you do, don’t test early. Just hold onto hope for one more day.

You love your coffee card. You can buy 9 cups and then get the 10th one free!

The modern fertility clinic should offer the same thing: A “frequent IUI or IVF” punch card. Fail 5 times and get the 6th failure free! On your first visit, your RE would take your picture ID punch card and would appropriately stamp it with a big fat FAILED sign following each failed procedure. After 5 failed attempts, you are offered the 6th one for free! How exciting! Why take a pregnancy test anymore when your RE can just stamp your card!

“Are you pregnant, honey?” Your husband/partner might inquire. No need to communicate anymore when you can just show him your failed punch card. A nosy relative asking you if you’re pregnant yet? Just flash out your punch card. Remember how exciting it is to get that free cup of coffee? Well, imagine how wonderful it will be to get that 6th failure for free! We all love something for nothing! You might actually hope you fail the rest of the treatments just so you can be rewarded later on.

Yes Mother, I am a failure and I have the punch card to prove it. Fantastic!

Hey Bert!
Hey Ernie!
Hey Big Bird!

Let’s all sing those ABCs together, infertility style!

A – Azoospermia (Help! You have no sperm!)
B – Being Barren
C – Cervical mucus (Your favorite type of mucus!)
D – Donor eggs (Whose your daddy?)
E – Eggs (Do not hard boil or scramble)
F – Failed IUI, failed IVF…ect…
G – Getting pregnant naturally (Tell us your secret!)
H – Heal my hymen, doctor!
I – In vitro fertilization me!
J – Jiggly breasts (Early pregnancy symptom?)
K – Kegel exercises (No need to hit the gym!)
L – Loopy for Lupron!
M – Male factor infertility is awesome!
N – Negative pregnancy tests (Save your money. Their always negative!)
O – Ovulation predictor kits
P – PCOS, Progestrian and periods rock!
Q – Quack (Aka your fertility doctor)
R – Rip roaring baby-making sex! (Not as fun as it sounds)
S – Semen analysis cup (Do not drink!)
T – Two week wait (It’s definitely not worth the wait!)
U – Urology appointment (Help us, Doctor Balls!)
V – Varicocele veins (Stop heating up that sperm!)
W – When are you going to get pregnant? (World’s best question)
X – X-ray that scrotum!
Y – Yes! (You’re still not pregnant!)
Z – Zygote, where are you?

photo: here

At the beginning, you had no idea that it was not recommended to pee following sex.

There were many times when you happily rushed off to the toilet after an adventurous baby-making experience. Your future children poured out of you and quietly drowned into the toilet bowl. Bad, bad mother. Later, when you started waiting that 30 minutes before going to the bathroom, you thought of all those poor little babies that met their early death by toilet water. Think that a miscarriage is the only way to lose a baby? How about the time where your future child dripped down your legs or met their death in a puddle in your panties? Maybe you let out a loud cough, and a gush of sperm stained your bed or perhaps, you wiped the remaining liquid on a piece of toilet paper.

Watching your babies helplessly drown in a toilet bowl is terribly sad. A good mother would have saved them and stuck them back inside.

Thank goodness for the fertility nurses clear explanation about the IVF process.

The nurse will contact you to clearly explain the following process for your treatment:

On your day one, twirl around than contact the clinic to book an appointment with the nurse, call in the morning but not after 2pm, you will go to the drugstore and purchase a slew of fertility drugs, wear a red sundress, you will start Lupron after watching an episode of Dr. Phil, you will come into the clinic on your day three for blood work and ultrasound, you will start birth control pill and you might take the pills from 21 through 230 days, you will start your Superovulatory drugs and follicles will start to develop, eat a candy bar, ultrasound and blood, reduce then increase drugs, dye your hair brown then blond, days 4-87 reduce your other drugs, and start your shots, come into the clinic day 6, ultrasound and blood, reduce pink pill and start blue pill, day 170 HCG shot at exactly midnight, tracks eggs, eat eggs from fridge on brown toast, line embroyos, injections, transfer, Progesteron…. Day 2 wear red, Day 8 wear green, Day 9 turn sideways, Day 16 raise your left hand, Day 280, Day 66, Day 109….

Take Superovulatory drugs….Birth Control….Progesteron….Lupron…Reduce, Increase drugs daily…..

Do you have any questions?

YES! What the f*%# did you just say?? My head hurts.

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What does an infertile gal regret in life?

Regretting that you didn’t start trying to conceive earlier…. Regretting that you didn’t go to the fertility clinic months before….Wishing that you tried to conceive on your wedding night instead of waiting…Regretting that you didn’t try a new fertility medication earlier…Regretting you didn’t go back to school….Regretting that you dated that bad boyfriend….Wishing that you had another career…

The next time anyone asks you what you regret most in your life, the best answer is “absolutely nothing.” Sure, there were things you wished you hadn’t done or things you would have liked to change. So what? Every smart person fails at something but failure always leads to success. Stop torturing yourself already! You believe that you really should have tried to get pregnant earlier. Well, guess what? You can think that all you like but unless you have a time machine (or watch the movie, Back to the Future over a thousand times), you can’t actually go back and change something. Stop regretting things you cannot change and enjoy the moment before it disappears. Michael J. Fox would tell you the same thing.

Now, regretting you were in a public bathroom without soap while checking your cervical mucus, now that’s a real regret!

You are the type of person who has a bunch of reminder sticky notes laying around your house.

In your car – Remember to buy roast chicken for dinner.
In your office - Call doctor’s clinic before 3pm.
By your bed - Dentist appointment in the morning.

Your appointment at the fertility clinic is no different. At each appointment, you come armed with a list of questions either on paper (or in your head and you hope to remember). You spend at least 30 minutes thinking of these questions and you keep adding to the list before the appointment. Your time with the RE is limited, and you want to make sure that every question is asked and accounted for.

Question #1: Have we completed all the necessary blood work and tests?
#2: Can I take a bath after an IUI?
#3: Will other medications affect my fertility drugs?
#4: How will I know if my cycle will be canceled?
#5: Is there are other treatments we can try?

This is the time to ask all your questions. No question is too embarrassing or too stupid.

#6: Would you be willing to take blackmail in exchange for an IVF procedure?
#7: Do you provide coffee and snacks during an IUI?
#8: Can I give my fertility medication to children?
#9: Will handcuffing me to the bed affect my fertility?
#10: Do you think my nipples look darker?

photo: here

The last thing you want is someone searching though your purse, especially a security guard.

It’s inevitable. You go to a concert, you go through airport security and someone has to go through your hand bag. They may be searching for weapons but what they’ll find is something very very different.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. The sensors go off and security searches your bag.

What’s this? A package of ovulation predictor kits, a pregnancy test, a container of fertility pills, Pre-Seed Fertility Lubricant , a basal thermometer, your temperature chart, dixie pee cups, an RE business card, a donor egg, a package of washed sperm, raspberry leaf tea, fertility yoga DVD, a saliva ovulation detector, a container of Fertilaid and one or two (just in case) tampons. “What seems to be the problem, officer? I am allowed to bring a semen analysis cup into another countries.”

It’s probably a good idea to remove your fertility needle from your purse as well. Just a suggestion.

photo: here

Don’t say the “A” word in front of you. You are not ready to hear it.

There are those of you who have chosen adoption as your first choice, and others who have decided to adopt based on circumstances. Then there are the rest who can’t yet bring themselves to even think about adoption. You believe that adoption is a wonderful thing but not sure if it’s right for you. You may believe that discussing adoption is like giving up the idea of ever becoming pregnant. You may feel open to adoption but can’t really think about exploring it just yet. Now, the mere reference to it gets your blood boiling.

“Our neighbors just adopted.” Your friend might say. Good for your neighbors.
“Have you ever considered adoption?” Your cousin might ask. No. You’ve thought about it but haven’t actually discussed it with your partner.

You are willing to adopt a pet, adapt to a new job, adept to a new skill, ad opt(ions) to your fertility drugs. But adoption? You are still not there yet.

Just remember adopting a child and stealing a baby are two very different things.

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Infertility hurts.

If you’ve ridden the infertility roller coaster, you know that infertility can make you feel depressed, upset and completely alone. Your chest may ache, your heart may break and you feel like giving up on a daily basis. Everyone else seems to be getting pregnant and you feel like this may never happen for you….

You’re right. You should feel depressed about your life, and you definitely should cry every single day in public places. You should cry until your eyes are swollen and you have to wear one of those pirate patches to cover up the puffiness. You should cry until your nose is bright red and people think you are wearing a clown nose. You’re right. This is completely your fault. You asked to have a twisted uterus, a messed-up cycle and follicles that can’t seem to implant. At your third birthday party, you closed your eyes, blew out your birthday candles and secretly wished for infertility later in life. You’re right. You are fat and ugly. It was your choice to wear that outfit with non-matching socks. If only you could lose 10 pounds than your life would be absolutely perfect and flawless. You’re right. You do smell. How can a baby grow inside your uterus with that stench. Maybe that’s why those sperms are so repelled.

You’re right. One day your babies are going to think that you are the most beautiful, strong and caring woman and they will only see you cry during happy occasions.

Photo: here

Positive affirmations.

You have read the book, The Secret, and know that if you really believe something will happen, it will. Oprah says so. People have told you that if you believe you will get pregnant, then it will happen. So why hasn’t it yet? In the inner workings on your mind, you repeat positive pregnancy affirmations in hopes that your womb will somehow hear your pregnancy desires.

“I will get pregnant.” “I will be a mother.” “I will have a baby this year.” “I will carry a child to term.”

I will keep saying these positive pregnancy affirmations so my partner’s sperm will hear. If only you were Mel Gibson in the stellar movie, What Women Want, and someone could actually hear your inner thoughts.

After an IUI, it may look like you are laying on your back with your eyes shut but you are really meditating. If only the nurse knew what you were really thinking. “These sperms are strong and plentiful.” “My uterus is a happy and inviting place.” “I will ovulate and reproduce.”

After baby making sex, your partner is happily sleeping while you lay on your back in an elevated position for the next 30 minutes. “My partner’s sperms have only one tail and head.” “My cervical mucus is a warm and sperm-healthy environment.” “My fallopian tubes are open and clear.”

If only Mel Gibson could hear the thoughts of an infertile woman. He might need another drink after his return from rehab.

Your BBQs and parties are not the same since your friends had kids.

Before babies, your parties were filled with a lot of alcohol, inappropriate behavior, and someone inevitably passing out in your flower garden. You could always count on an old high school pal spilling something on your rug and having to rush someone to the hospital emergency room. Those were the good old days.

Now, the majority of your friends are either pregnant or bring along their babies to your party which means you need to buy more apple juice than beer. You call the party for 6pm, purchase a few cases of beer and crank the music up. But a few hours later, only 4 beers have been drank (by your husband) and the music has been turned down because it’s baby Billy’s nap time. The only one drinking is baby Sally, and she’s not drinking alcohol. There are poopie diapers in your trash can, breast milk in your fridge, and your office has been turned into the change room/breastfeeding zone. Your party now resembles a teddy bears picnic rather than an alcohol driven all nighter. Rest assured, most of your guests will be gone by 9pm.

Awesome party!

Photo: here

Milk expires, yogurt expires, mayonnaise expires. Do you know what else expires? Your ovulation predictor kit and pregnancy tests!

Now, you could argue that you go through these tests so often that they will never reach its expiration date. But what happens if you need an emergency one and find an old test in the back of your closet?

“Best used by September 2002.

“ Uh Oh! Should you use it? It is an emergency, after all. You use the expired test and guess what? It’s negative (big shocker there). You are now forced to buy another one, just in case the test was wrong. Be honest. You probably have over 100 OPK tests in your house (and a few in your purse) and never fully realized that there is an expiratory date on the back of some kits. Check your expiration dates now because you could be using an old test! Just super. Another thing to worry about. Did that test actually work or was it past its peak? Maybe if you put them in your fridge they will stay fresher longer?

So what should you do with those expired tests? Here are some great suggestions:

1. Use them as a stir stick in your decaf coffee.
2. Use them as a spoon to stir your homemade soup.
3. Use them as a baseball bat, and try to hit another infertile in the waiting room with a folic acid pill.
4. Return them to the store claiming that your “cervical fluid was incompatible with the tests.” No 16 year old cashier will dispute that.

Eggs expire too but we all know that.

Photo: here

HOORAY FOR MALE INFERTILITY!

You can’t get pregnant and you found out why,
male infertility is no reason to cry.
You tried for a year with not even a bump,
you did all you could with that special stump.

You just want a baby that comes to full term,
but sadly, cervical fluid doesn’t like sperm.
So you sent dear hubby to see the Doc,
he poked and he prodded his special rock.

The doctor confirmed that his count was low,
bad motility with little flow.
So off you went to fix his wheel,
a surgery was booked for a varicocele.

Not a fun surgery to brag to the guys,
so he iced his parts and told a few lies.
Four months went by and his counts status quo,
so onto fertility, hand in hand you did go.

IUI, IVF, fertility drugs,
You shared a few tears and a whole lot of hugs.
Your babies will come, this is something you know.
You’ll pay off your treatment with a reality show.

Just keep believing and hold onto hope,
learn how to smile and learn how to cope.
You might feel infertile but only today,
tomorrow, there’s sunshine and you’ll see past the grey.

photo: here

“Drivers license and registration please…. Ma’am, according to your file, you already had 7 IUIs in the last year!”

Infertility acronyms can be confusing. The IUI should not be mistaken with a DUI as the infertile has not had a drop of alcohol in months. If you were a member of MADD,you might agree but a lot of you are still waiting to be a mother for the first time. You are more likely to be a part of the AP, TTC or IVF group instead which is probably still more fun than the IBS or OCD group. If the DUI is mistaken for an IUI, you could be in serious t.r.o.u.b.l.e. Your DH will not make his RE appointment because your SUV (or BMW – but who has enough in the ATM or on VISA for that type of car right now?) will be confiscated by the AFO. The officer could give you a ticket for being D&D, not to be confused with a D&C. Then, you could be arrested and might miss your IUI or ICSI appointment. You won’t be LMAO then. The DUI will only get you into AA, but the IUI could get you a OBGYN and make your MIL very happy so she will stop asking you all those pregnancy FAQs.

Bob’s your uncle….. AF’s your aunt….You know what I mean?

Photo: here

The infertility roller coaster is super fun so buckle up and let’s go!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Whether you are new to the ride or have been riding for a number of years, the infertility coaster keeps getting more fun. Buckle up! It is awesome! When you first take your ride, you are super excited imagining how incredibly fun it will be. Time drags on as the coaster starts going slower and slower to the top of the hill, then you wait for a moment at the top, feeling excited and a little nauseated.

Then, down you go!

Your heart drops…
Your chest sinks…
You don’t care how awful you look…
Your breasts deflate…
You get a little wet (if it’s a water coaster or from your tears)…

But you still want to go back on this ride…You pay your money again and hop back on.

Excitement and joy…
Heart is pounding…
Body feels different…
A rush of adrenal…

Then….

It’s over.
You are no longer excited.
Your stomach hurts.
You feel disappointed.

Next time you go to the amusement park, just ride the bumper cars and eat a lot of cotton candy.

“No sweetheart, I can’t afford to buy you a new pair of socks.”

You spent thousands of dollars towards fertility procedures, so what happens when your children actually arrive? You have no extra money to spend on them. You get excited when you find an old crib on the street. So what if there are a few mice in the mattress? You’ll clean it up. Your friends might have those fancy strollers but you are more than happy to push a one wheel stroller. After all, it only cost you 50 cents at that garage sale. And thank goodness for hand me down clothes, second hand burp clothes and recalled toys! You are overjoyed to take any free “product recalled” toys from your local garbage can.

As your children grow, they will learn the importance of life without TV, books, video games or a computer. They will do all their learning outdoors with your grandmother’s childhood skipping rope and half inflated ball (thanks for keeping that, dad!). Do your kids really need braces? Problem solved. Thanks to your old mouth retainer. It’s still in great shape! And who needs all these fattening foods when your kids will enjoy home grown fruits and veggies! And why go out on the weekends? Your kids Saturday nights will consist of chatting with mom and dad – both a fun and free activity!

No cell phones, no texting, no video games. Not a bad childhood.

Photo: here

From the bestselling IVF cookbook: an egg recipe

Prep Time: between 1-10 years.
Cost: $10,000. Materials not included.

INGREDIENTS

• 8-12 ripe follicles
• 8-12 hard boiled eggs
• 50 million sperms (washed)
• 5-10 fertility drugs and vitamins
• 2 nurses
• one tiny test tube (sterilized)

DIRECTIONS

1. Crack open your legs and enjoy an internal massage on several occasions.
2. Combine fertility medications until properly digested.
3. Draw blood at the clinic, daily.
   
4. Spread legs, finely.
   
5. Remove eggs. Do not chop.
   
6. Rub male parts until explosive results. Freeze contents for at least 5 hours.
   
7. Mix eggs with white content in a tray. Keep warm.
8. Drizzle filling into small hairy opening.
9. When ready to serve, insert, then let cool for 30 minutes. Insert panty liner.
   
10. Garnish as necessary. Serve fresh or frozen. Repeat the follow month and the month after that.
    

Makes 1-8 servings.

Recipe Review - 3 stars ***

Sarah said: “I enjoyed this dish at least 6 times this year!”
Becky said: “I never want to make this again!”
Lauren said: “My husband felt that he could have made more.”
Corrie said: “I wouldn’t recommend it to any of my friends. I felt ill after.”
Samantha said: “My third attempt resulted in 8 more mouths to feed.”

Photo: here