At the beginning, you had no idea that it was not recommended to pee following sex.

There were many times when you happily rushed off to the toilet after an adventurous baby-making experience. Your future children poured out of you and quietly drowned into the toilet bowl. Bad, bad mother. Later, when you started waiting that 30 minutes before going to the bathroom, you thought of all those poor little babies that met their early death by toilet water. Think that a miscarriage is the only way to lose a baby? How about the time where your future child dripped down your legs or met their death in a puddle in your panties? Maybe you let out a loud cough, and a gush of sperm stained your bed or perhaps, you wiped the remaining liquid on a piece of toilet paper.

Watching your babies helplessly drown in a toilet bowl is terribly sad. A good mother would have saved them and stuck them back inside.

Thank goodness for the fertility nurses clear explanation about the IVF process.

The nurse will contact you to clearly explain the following process for your treatment:

On your day one, twirl around than contact the clinic to book an appointment with the nurse, call in the morning but not after 2pm, you will go to the drugstore and purchase a slew of fertility drugs, wear a red sundress, you will start Lupron after watching an episode of Dr. Phil, you will come into the clinic on your day three for blood work and ultrasound, you will start birth control pill and you might take the pills from 21 through 230 days, you will start your Superovulatory drugs and follicles will start to develop, eat a candy bar, ultrasound and blood, reduce then increase drugs, dye your hair brown then blond, days 4-87 reduce your other drugs, and start your shots, come into the clinic day 6, ultrasound and blood, reduce pink pill and start blue pill, day 170 HCG shot at exactly midnight, tracks eggs, eat eggs from fridge on brown toast, line embroyos, injections, transfer, Progesteron…. Day 2 wear red, Day 8 wear green, Day 9 turn sideways, Day 16 raise your left hand, Day 280, Day 66, Day 109….

Take Superovulatory drugs….Birth Control….Progesteron….Lupron…Reduce, Increase drugs daily…..

Do you have any questions?

YES! What the f*%# did you just say?? My head hurts.

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What does an infertile gal regret in life?

Regretting that you didn’t start trying to conceive earlier…. Regretting that you didn’t go to the fertility clinic months before….Wishing that you tried to conceive on your wedding night instead of waiting…Regretting that you didn’t try a new fertility medication earlier…Regretting you didn’t go back to school….Regretting that you dated that bad boyfriend….Wishing that you had another career…

The next time anyone asks you what you regret most in your life, the best answer is “absolutely nothing.” Sure, there were things you wished you hadn’t done or things you would have liked to change. So what? Every smart person fails at something but failure always leads to success. Stop torturing yourself already! You believe that you really should have tried to get pregnant earlier. Well, guess what? You can think that all you like but unless you have a time machine (or watch the movie, Back to the Future over a thousand times), you can’t actually go back and change something. Stop regretting things you cannot change and enjoy the moment before it disappears. Michael J. Fox would tell you the same thing.

Now, regretting you were in a public bathroom without soap while checking your cervical mucus, now that’s a real regret!

You are the type of person who has a bunch of reminder sticky notes laying around your house.

In your car – Remember to buy roast chicken for dinner.
In your office - Call doctor’s clinic before 3pm.
By your bed - Dentist appointment in the morning.

Your appointment at the fertility clinic is no different. At each appointment, you come armed with a list of questions either on paper (or in your head and you hope to remember). You spend at least 30 minutes thinking of these questions and you keep adding to the list before the appointment. Your time with the RE is limited, and you want to make sure that every question is asked and accounted for.

Question #1: Have we completed all the necessary blood work and tests?
#2: Can I take a bath after an IUI?
#3: Will other medications affect my fertility drugs?
#4: How will I know if my cycle will be canceled?
#5: Is there are other treatments we can try?

This is the time to ask all your questions. No question is too embarrassing or too stupid.

#6: Would you be willing to take blackmail in exchange for an IVF procedure?
#7: Do you provide coffee and snacks during an IUI?
#8: Can I give my fertility medication to children?
#9: Will handcuffing me to the bed affect my fertility?
#10: Do you think my nipples look darker?

photo: here

The last thing you want is someone searching though your purse, especially a security guard.

It’s inevitable. You go to a concert, you go through airport security and someone has to go through your hand bag. They may be searching for weapons but what they’ll find is something very very different.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. The sensors go off and security searches your bag.

What’s this? A package of ovulation predictor kits, a pregnancy test, a container of fertility pills, Pre-Seed Fertility Lubricant , a basal thermometer, your temperature chart, dixie pee cups, an RE business card, a donor egg, a package of washed sperm, raspberry leaf tea, fertility yoga DVD, a saliva ovulation detector, a container of Fertilaid and one or two (just in case) tampons. “What seems to be the problem, officer? I am allowed to bring a semen analysis cup into another countries.”

It’s probably a good idea to remove your fertility needle from your purse as well. Just a suggestion.

photo: here