* It’s Convenient (True. We all produce saliva) * Reusable (Really? Isn’t that gross?) * Easy to use (Do the spit and wait)
The boxhas a picture of a woman’s pregnant belly but shouldn’t it have an image of someone spitting onto a lens and then examining your own spit for signs of ovulation?
Instructions for use: Step one: drop your saliva onto the lens provided (a.k.a hork into the lens). Step two: Allow spit to dry. Step three: Examine spit for signs of ovulation. Step four: If you see signs of “ferning” or crystal pattern, you are fertile.
Frequently asked questions Can I use flavored spit? Can I combine spit with cervical mucus? What happens if I eat pineapple then spit? Is “ferning” the same thing as drinking Crystal Light? Can I reuse this product with my friend’s spit? Is horking, spitting and saliva the same thing? Will excess phlegm increase my chances of conceiving? Can I use sweat instead of saliva?
For a (fertile) woman, she gets pregnant, joins the expectant mothers club, then the baby club.
So what club do you fit into?
You want to join the expectant mommies club but do you really fit in there? These are the glowing mothers who go to prenatal yoga and put pictures of their growing bellies on Facebook. Then baby arrives and they are off to baby fitness and mothers coffee outings. Your pregnancy will be a bit different. When you get pregnant, you might not want to brag about your pregnancies to others in fear that they are infertile. You are more sensitive and feel more protective about your pregnancy.
You belong to “The infertiles mothers club,” and it feels awesome!
Infertile mothers all wear t-shirts that say “Proud IVF Mother” and use words like “IUI, follicles and test tubes.” You attend IUI yoga and Clomid aqua aerobics. Your only Facebook pictures are that of test tubes and your husband’s first semen analysis. When baby arrives, you talk freely about ovulation instead of breast feeding in your social groups and sign up for the baby and mommy “It took me 65 months to conceive you” classes.
You do fit in and it’s a wonderful, special group filled with other amazing infertile mommies.
You can return clothes to a store, exchange a bag of milk, and return most products with a receipt. So why can’t you get your money back for a failed IUI, IVF or other fertility treatments?
You paid, you got treated and it didn’t work. You kept up your end of the bargain but you didn’t receive the goods. When signing your consent forms, you should add in a line that allows you to get your money back should you miscarry, if the treatment fails altogether, or if your baby is born downright ugly.
Money back guaranteed for all unattractive babies. Hey fertility doctor, you hand-picked our baby, so why does it have Uncle Ned’s chin and Aunt Frannie’s pear-shaped bottom?
I (your name here) give permission to have an IVF cycle completed at your fertility clinic. I will pay the amount in full upfront but require a full money back guarantee should the procedure fail or if the baby comes out looking like my great Aunt Ethel. I also request an additional payment for heartache and suffering, cancelled cycles, and all other fertility clinic screw-ups. I accept pay pal and all major credit cards.
Ever feel overwhelmed by your situation? Where is our baby? Am I ever going to get pregnant? How do I take this injection? Will I get side effects from the fertility drugs? What happens if IVF doesn’t work? The two week wait is killing me!
And don’t just stop there! I hope I don’t get the H1N1 virus! I hate my job! Will I lose my job? My husband and I fight all the time. I feel so alone and depressed. I have no money to pay for treatments.
If you do plan to worry all of the time, don’t forget about: 1. Nuclear war 2. The year 2012 – (rumor has it, the world will end. Awesome! If this is going to happen, why are we spending all this money on fertility?) 3. When you go to the bathroom at someone’s house and the toilet doesn’t flush. Embarrassing! 4. Walking around with food stuck in your teeth and no one tells you. 5. Farting quietly and realizing that it smells.
Give your mind a rest today and fill it only with positive thoughts.
Since you started your fertility treatments, who has time to go to work, make dinner and clean your house? Infertility takes up so much of your time, you hardly have enough time to go out with friends, let alone clean your home.
You have been meaning to clean your toilet for the past two months, your floor has bugs on it and your bedroom could use a good vacuuming.Hey, look at that piece of garbage on your floor! Is that leftover Chinese takeout in your fridge? Didn’t you order Chinese 8 months ago? Is that a puddle on the floor? Nope, just urine leaking from your dirty toilet. Look at your beautiful fluffy sweater laying on the ground. Oh wait, that’s not a sweater, that’s a rat. Your house is a mess and the last thing you want to do is clean it. The solution is have your man clean everything, get a housekeeper or let the mice lick your floors clean.
Fertility clinics should really include a house keeping service along with their treatments. For only $600, you get an IUI and a house keeper. Good deal.
You know you’ve joined the infertility club when….
1) You know your husband’s sperm count (both washed and unwashed) 2) You can say the words “vagina” or “semen” without giggling 3) The nurses at the fertility clinic knows you by first and last name 4) You give directions to the ultrasound room to new infertiles 5) You can tell the doctor your temperature to the exact decimal point 6) You told the ultrasound technician your follicle size and uterine lining before she told you 7) You refer to a Monday as a ‘Day 3′ You refuse to purchase tampons or pads until it’s too late (another pair of ruined underwear!) 9) You’re thinking of dressing up like a test tube or the Octomom for Halloween 10) You refuse to go into a hot tube in fear of hard boiling any eggs
The Christmas holidays. An infertiles worst nightmare. You really thought that this year you would be pregnant. You had imagined telling your families under the Christmas tree and surprising everyone at the dinner table. You just know that old Aunt Millie will be asking “when are you going to have a baby?” and cousin Gertie will tell you that you’re next to get pregnant!
So how do you survive the hellidays? Do it, infertile style! 1) After you baste the turkey, show everyone you’re own transvaginal baster. 2) Wear a shirt that says “I miscarried this year and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” 3) Send a holiday card with the greeting “Happy Holidays” Love, your favorite infertile cousins. Include a photo of you and your partner kissing a test tube. 4) Bring a high chair to the table for your used IUI test tube. 5) Hang a photo of your IVF embryos on your Christmas tree. 6) Ask if it’s okay if your partner uses their bathroom to masturbate in a cup. 7) If anyone asks if you’re pregnant, throw mashed potatoes in their face. Dis-invite children and pregnant women to the family dinner. 9) Decorate the Christmas tree with your used pregnancy sticks. 10) Tell the children that Santa is not coming this year because he only gives gifts to kids created from test tubes.
Birth control pills, condoms, female contraceptives… All were your friends long ago and now are your arch enemies. You want to stay clear of any form of contraceptives.
So when you’re told that an IVF cycle begins with birth control pills, you almost fall over. You are taking birth control pills in order to get pregnant? That’s pretty ironic. Why not eat an entire chocolate cake and try to lose weight? Why not go to a job interview and leave your resume at home? Why not invite people over for a dinner party and forget to buy the food? Why take prenatal vitamins and birth control pills in order to get pregnant?
Nosy relative: Are you trying to get pregnant? You: Absolutely. I’m on prenatal vitamins and the birth control pill (pop in a pill and wait for reaction). Birth control pill: $40.00 Other IVF drugs: $4,000 Telling nosy relatives you’re trying to get pregnant and pulling out your birth control pills: Priceless
They say that writing a letter to your unborn or future baby helps in the infertility process. But also receiving a letter from your unborn baby might help too.
Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Why are you crying? Each month, you have a mental breakdown when your period shows up instead of me. You spend a lot of time crying in your bed or overeating which is not helping your figure. Stop it already! I don’t need you to waste time feeling depressed and unhappy. I plan to come when the time is right and we will be together then. Until then, I need you to be strong and confident and stop embarrassing me by breaking down in public. How totally embarrassing! I forgive you for having a twisted uterus or for my daddy’s lack of sperm (totally gross!). Stop blaming yourself already and move forward with your life. I need you to be happy and I promise you I will come when I’m ready and you will remember how to smile again.
Love, your future embryo
P.S.- I wish you and daddy would stop having so much sex. It is really gross.
They say it helps to write a letter to your unborn (or future) baby when you are struggling with infertility….Give it a try.
Dear Baby,
As I anxiously wait to conceive you, many thoughts run through my head. Will your head be shaped like a test tube? What if they implant the wrong embryos into my uterus? What if I accidentally squirted you out into the toilet bowl? Sometimes I wonder if you will ever be real. I’ve been a bad mother already – having the occasional drink and missing a Folic Acid pill or two (or three). I’m sorry I’ve turned your nursery into my beautiful walk-in closest but I had no where to put all of those shoes. Daddy really wants you to come too so mommy can stop being an emotional wreck and ruining his marriage. After all our fertility costs, we might not be able to afford to send you to college, buy you new clothes or even feed you but mommy and daddy still love you very much. And no one (but child social services) can take that away from us.
Only an infertile could pre-fail an IUI or IVF cycle before it even happened.
Your procedure is scheduled for next Thursday but you already “know” that it didn’t work. You just know that the sperm count will be low, that the medication won’t work, that your cycle will be canceled. In your mind, it’s like you assume disappoint because you believe that you will feel less upset later on. News flash! It will still hurt like a bitch! By the time the procedure actually occurs, you feel like you failed it already. The first IUI or IVF, you feel hopeful, but once you get to number 2 or 3 or 10, you already ‘know’ that you failed it. Why bother eating healthy? Why not miss a prenatal pill? Have a cup of extra strong caffeinated coffee! You already know the outcome.
You – “Honey, sorry to tell you but we failed our IUI. I just know I’m not pregnant this month” Partner -“But the IUI is not until next week.”
It takes a special person to pre-fail a fertility procedure before it has even occurred.
Failed your last fertility procedure? Stop blaming yourself already because it wasn’t your fault! Here are some reasons why you might have failed your last IUI or IVF treatment.
The doctor inserted the sperm into the wrong hole.
Your appointment was too early in the morning and your uterus was still asleep.
Your accidentally injected your fertility needle with your heroin needle.
Your partner could not perform his best during his 7:00am ejaculation.
During the sperm wash, the nurse accidentally used dandruff shampoo.
Your eggs were mixed up with Cadbury Cream Eggs giving you 8 tiny chocolate bunnies instead.
The doctor thought she saw a large follicle but it was actually a piece of a forgotten leftover tampon stuck inside.
There was only bottled water inside of the test tube.
The doctor told you that you surged but she was really talking about her son, Serge.
YOU provide reason number 10. Why did you fail your last infertility procedure?
It is the early 1990s. The real 90210 and Melrose Place is on TV, Madonna tops the charts, Doogie Howser MD is your crush, the world is fearful about Y2K and you have only ovulated once in the past 5 years.
While other women get their periods on a regular 28 day cycle, you have only seen Aunt Flow a couple times a year. You enjoy her arrival because that means you actually have a chance to ovulate this month. In your case, you probably need medical assistance to actually bring on ovulation and sometimes it works but more often it doesn’t. You search for that cervical fluid like a worm jumping into a puddle and chart your temperature continuously. You feel guilty that your body doesn’t work properly and blame yourself for not getting pregnant. Ovulation predictor kits are your best friend although you barely know how to use them. When the fertility doctor tells you it’s time to ovulate, then rush home and get the job done! When that doesn’t work, you say goodbye to Ms. Ovulation and hope to see her again before 2012.
If only Doogie Howser, MD was a fertility specialist. You’d let him check out your cervix anytime.
You just love when a fertile or an unhelpful relative informs you that “you’re next” to get pregnant. It starts off with a subtle wink and smile and then you are told that you “will be next.”
Fantastic!
How do you know that I will be next? Just because my friend, sister, brother, relative just got pregnant does not mean I will be ‘next.’ Do you have some kind of inside information telling you that I will be the next one? If so, please share. You said last year after you got pregnant that I would be ‘next’ but then I wasn’t. How do you explain that? I thought we had a verbal agreement that I would be next. You said it yourself. I WOULD BE NEXT!! But then 5 other women got pregnant and I wasn’t next so I am confused. Can you please explain further? WHY AM I NOT NEXT??
If being ‘next’ means that I will get pregnant within 1-10 years, spend a significant amount of money on fertility medication, fail several fertility procedures, experiment with donor sperm and eggs and pee on a negative pregnancy stick each month, then I guess I am ‘next.’
1 : referring to an infertile woman who is consumed by her quest to get pregnant that she forgets how lucky and blessed she is in her daily life. 2 : a statement meaning to obsess about infertility and disregard everyday joys and happiness. 3 : the action of crying and feeling depressed about infertility and forgetting how to laugh and smile. 4 : referring to the dislike of all pregnant women and hating to hear another woman’s joyous pregnancy news.
The good news is there is a cure for this ailment! You have every right to feel how you feel about your situation BUT you can still remember to enjoy your daily life and think about all the other wonderful gifts you also have. It’s like you forget about your wonderful family, health, friends, home, and the ability that you have two legs, two arms and are strong and healthy enough to go to a fertility appointment. You may forget to feel grateful for just being alive.
On the bright side, hopefully you don’t have Infertility Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Infertility Hemorrhoids, and Infertility Intestinal Gas Syndrome.
“That baby looks good on you.” “Just relax and it will happen.” “You’re next!” “When are you getting pregnant?”
It doesn’t matter if you live in North America, in the UK or another country, people seem to make the exact same comments to infertiles. How did they learn to make these same comments? In the stone ages, did a group of people just get together one day and determine the phrases that would be used to make infertile women miserable? Perhaps, a mother dinosaur gave her daughter a disapproving stares when daughter dino failed to become pregnant. Maybe, a mother ape tried telling her daughter to ‘just relax’ after months of failed intercourse. Go to a small village at the other side of the world and you can almost guarantee that a relative living in a man-made hut is asking an infertile woman why she isn’t pregnant yet. In some remote location, in the middle of the world, where television and Internet is still non-existent, a nosy neighbor is advising a woman to drink some magical juice and she will get pregnant.
We all may live at different ends of the world but we all seem to feel the exact same way. It’s nice to know we are not alone.
Infertility is the invisible ailment. No one talks about it and no one knows how to respond to it.
You typically get the “Just relax and it will happen” useless response, the “I feel so bad for you” pity response or the “I don’t know what to say and I’m uncomfortable” reaction. These types of people typically wait for you to bring up the subject although you know they are dying to say something. You can see it in their eyes. Should I ask her? Should I wait for her to say something? And when you do bring up the subject, you can see pity in their eyes, and they try to offer you fertility advice or tell you success stories of someone else they know. So and so tried this product and she got pregnant. I heard this fertility book was really good? They try to be helpful but you kind of wish they were better listeners than talkers.
And of course, you have the “Infertility gossiper” who tells you to ‘just relax and it will happen’ and you will definitely ‘be next.’ She treats your news like a good piece of gossip asking questions, giving useless advice and thinks that Clomid is a new type of chocolate bar. Well guess what? We relaxed and it didn’t happen!
But don’t feel sorry for us! We are obviously incredibly happy and stable women, who are clearly not depressed, upset or irrational about our situation at all. Clearly.
You want a healthy baby. You don’t even care (much) about its gender as long as it’s healthy.
With IVF, your doctor has the ability to pick the strongest and possibly healthiest sperm. So if they can accomplish that, why can’t they choose the best looking sperm while their down there too? It would be nice to have a baby that didn’t inherit your husband’s larger body type, his adult acne or receding hair line. It would be great if the baby didn’t have Uncle Joey’s larger than normal ears or your father-in-laws extending forehead. And no child would wish for your mother-in-laws round behind, her unattractive man like hands and her noticeable unibrow. All you really want is a healthy baby (who also happens to be very good looking, higher than average IQ and will make a lot of money later in life).
No doubt, you’ve imagined the day when you get to announce your pregnancy. But your struggle with infertility has put a real damper on how you will actually tell people. The good news is that no one is more sensitive to infertility than you and you plan to announce your news to different people in different ways.
Telling the friend who got pregnant on her first try. This is the friend who you can actually boast and gloat that you are pregnant. There is no need to be sensitive or hide your excitement. You can shout it to the world “Guess what. I’m pregnant!!!! I’m expecting!!!”
The friend who may or may not be trying. This friend is tricky. You don’t know if she’s struggling with infertility or not trying at all. You have no idea if pregnancy news will send her into a deep depression so you have to be careful and not show too much excitement. You may feel you owe her an explanation first. Act cool but not too excited. “Well, we have been trying for a long time, and it looks like we are now expecting. But enough about my boring news, how are things with you?”
Of course, there is the friend who has been going through infertility treatments and you don’t know how to break the news to her. There are two ways to tell her.
Telling the infertile friend: the nice way. You know how hard she will take your news so you try to avoid saying the word ‘pregnancy’ at all costs and then quickly change the subject. You want to make sure that you don’t ruin her appetite by telling her during any meals so make sure all food is digested before breaking the news. “So, we’ve been going through fertility procedures for such a long time now and it looks like one actually worked. Speaking of work, how is your new job going?”
Telling the infertile friend: the fun (o.k. cruel) way! Forget sensitivity. You have suffered through enough pregnancy announcements and this is your moment to shine. Forget about being kind or sensitive, saying it bluntly will only make your friend stronger. Ask your friend out to lunch and just before she is about to eat, blurt out “Guess what? I’m PREGNANT!” Continue to rub your belly during the meal and ask her to help you plan your baby shower and go shopping with you for maternity clothing. If you notice her start to tear up, thank her for crying over your happy news and tell her how happy your parents were when you told them about their first grandchild. At the end of the conversation, show her an ultrasound picture, apologize for talking so much about yourself, and then ask her when she is going to start trying for a baby herself.
Congratulations! You failed your first IUI or IVF treatment! Hurts pretty bad, doesn’t it?
You are now onto your second (or fourth) treatment and you will go into this cycle a little less optimistic, believing that it probably won’t work if it didn’t work the first time. Do you really think you can cheat on your next IUI/IVF and outsmart your body? If you are a true infertile, some of these ideas might have crossed your mind.
How to cheat on your IUI/IVF to maximize your chances:
Get your husband/partner to drink extra coffee before doing his business. You think that if he’s more alert, then his little guys will be too.
You’ve eaten pineapple during ovulation and the TWW because you read that it strengthens your uterine lining.
You refuse to exercise during the TWW although your doctor recommends the opposite.
You put at least 5 pillows under your behind following the procedure.
You talk more to the sperms swimming inside of you than to your husband.
You slip the nurse $50.00 to give you a little extra.
You steal the doctors notes or bring in cheat notes to your procedure. (It worked during school exams).
You take the catheter home and insert any leftovers yourself.
You refuse to cough or fart for the next 24 hours in fear your future baby will squirt out.
You pretend not to think about pregnancy during the TWW.
The “Guess what I’m pregnant!” announcement is typically the worst piece of news you’ve ever heard.
Only an infertile gal can transform a happy announcement into the saddest piece of news. The “Oh my gosh, I’m expecting!” news can send you into a downward spiral that can make you leave a room in tears. This “happy” news can make you tear up or cry internally for the next several hours or even days. But if you’re going to feel depressed about happy news, don’t you think you should feel equally upset about ALL exciting announcements too? The “I just bought a new puppy” news should at least make you angry and the “I just got my dream job” news should make you want to slap that b%&tch right across the face. You have a right to be furious at that friend who raised money for charity or that other friend who just bought a new house. The “I survived my disease” news should make you feel depressed and the “I found my lost cat” news should create a sad lump in your chest. If you are going to be upset at good news than you should probably be equally upset at ALL good announcements.
Your friend just lost her job, your co-worker has to go for surgery, your aunt just broke her leg. Bad news. But you probably won’t cry about it for the next few days. You only cry about happy news.
Just relax and you’ll get pregnant…Just be patient and it will happen…You just need to wait for the right moment and the your baby will come…..Why aren’t you pregnant yet? What are you waiting for? That baby you’re holding looks good on you.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? All you seem to do is WAIT!
You wait to get pregnant, do the two week wait, wait to check the pregnancy test, wait for the fertility clinic to call you back, wait for those test results, wait to hear more pregnancy news from your friends, wait for it to be your turn, wait for your blood and ultrasound appointment, wait for your period, wait for more cysts, wait for your cycle to be canceled, wait one more day to test, wait to hear a heartbeat, wait for a D&C appointment, wait another month, wait to tell your parents, wait for your friends to leave so you could cry in private.
In the meantime, your weight has increased, you gained weight from the fertility medications, you lost those recommended ten pounds of weight, nosy relatives weigh in on your situation.
Lunch with Mary on Tuesday, book club on Sunday, ovulate on Monday.
If someone looked at your calendar right now, they would know when you are set to ovulate and when your next period is due. Actually, if someone looked back 6 months ago, they would know all your recent menstrual cycles and your dates to “bing, bang, boom” your husband/partner. Fertility doctor wants to know when your last period was? Easy as pie! Just look it up on your calendar. Planning a business trip? Just schedule it around those ovulation dates. A shared calendar is also great so your husband/partner will always know when he’ll “get some” or when your scheduled to burst into tears.
“No, I can’t get together next Tuesday, Sally. I am supposed to spend that entire day crying and feeling miserable. How about the following week?”
Charting your ovulation and period dates on your work calendar is recommended.
You refuse to purchase tampons or pads until it’s too late (another pair of ruined underwear!)
giving you 8 tiny chocolate bunnies instead.
is your crush, the world is fearful about Y2K and you have only ovulated once in the past 5 years.
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