You know you’re a true infertile when you’ve tried the Saliva Based Fertility test.

* It’s Convenient (True. We all produce saliva)
* Reusable (Really? Isn’t that gross?)
* Easy to use (Do the spit and wait)

The boxhas a picture of a woman’s pregnant belly but shouldn’t it have an image of someone spitting onto a lens and then examining your own spit for signs of ovulation?

Instructions for use:
Step one: drop your saliva onto the lens provided (a.k.a hork into the lens).
Step two: Allow spit to dry.
Step three: Examine spit for signs of ovulation.
Step four: If you see signs of “ferning” or crystal pattern, you are fertile.

Frequently asked questions
Can I use flavored spit?
Can I combine spit with cervical mucus?
What happens if I eat pineapple then spit?
Is “ferning” the same thing as drinking Crystal Light?
Can I reuse this product with my friend’s spit?
Is horking, spitting and saliva the same thing?
Will excess phlegm increase my chances of conceiving?
Can I use sweat instead of saliva?

For a (fertile) woman, she gets pregnant, joins the expectant mothers club, then the baby club.

So what club do you fit into?

You want to join the expectant mommies club but do you really fit in there? These are the glowing mothers who go to prenatal yoga and put pictures of their growing bellies on Facebook. Then baby arrives and they are off to baby fitness and mothers coffee outings. Your pregnancy will be a bit different. When you get pregnant, you might not want to brag about your pregnancies to others in fear that they are infertile. You are more sensitive and feel more protective about your pregnancy.

You belong to “The infertiles mothers club,” and it feels awesome!

Infertile mothers all wear t-shirts that say “Proud IVF Mother” and use words like “IUI, follicles and test tubes.” You attend IUI yoga and Clomid aqua aerobics. Your only Facebook pictures are that of test tubes and your husband’s first semen analysis. When baby arrives, you talk freely about ovulation instead of breast feeding in your social groups and sign up for the baby and mommy “It took me 65 months to conceive you” classes.

You do fit in and it’s a wonderful, special group filled with other amazing infertile mommies.

You can return clothes to a store, exchange a bag of milk, and return most products with a receipt. So why can’t you get your money back for a failed IUI, IVF or other fertility treatments?

You paid, you got treated and it didn’t work. You kept up your end of the bargain but you didn’t receive the goods. When signing your consent forms, you should add in a line that allows you to get your money back should you miscarry, if the treatment fails altogether, or if your baby is born downright ugly.

Money back guaranteed for all unattractive babies. Hey fertility doctor, you hand-picked our baby, so why does it have Uncle Ned’s chin and Aunt Frannie’s pear-shaped bottom?

I (your name here) give permission to have an IVF cycle completed at your fertility clinic. I will pay the amount in full upfront but require a full money back guarantee should the procedure fail or if the baby comes out looking like my great Aunt Ethel. I also request an additional payment for heartache and suffering, cancelled cycles, and all other fertility clinic screw-ups. I accept pay pal and all major credit cards.

Ever feel overwhelmed by your situation?
Where is our baby?
Am I ever going to get pregnant?
How do I take this injection?
Will I get side effects from the fertility drugs?
What happens if IVF doesn’t work?
The two week wait is killing me!

And don’t just stop there!
I hope I don’t get the H1N1 virus!
I hate my job! Will I lose my job?
My husband and I fight all the time.
I feel so alone and depressed.
I have no money to pay for treatments.

If you do plan to worry all of the time, don’t forget about:
1. Nuclear war
2. The year 2012 – (rumor has it, the world will end. Awesome! If this is going to happen, why are we spending all this money on fertility?)
3. When you go to the bathroom at someone’s house and the toilet doesn’t flush. Embarrassing!
4. Walking around with food stuck in your teeth and no one tells you.
5. Farting quietly and realizing that it smells.

Give your mind a rest today and fill it only with positive thoughts.

Your house is a bloody mess.

Since you started your fertility treatments, who has time to go to work, make dinner and clean your house? Infertility takes up so much of your time, you hardly have enough time to go out with friends, let alone clean your home.

You have been meaning to clean your toilet for the past two months, your floor has bugs on it and your bedroom could use a good vacuuming.Hey, look at that piece of garbage on your floor! Is that leftover Chinese takeout in your fridge? Didn’t you order Chinese 8 months ago? Is that a puddle on the floor? Nope, just urine leaking from your dirty toilet. Look at your beautiful fluffy sweater laying on the ground. Oh wait, that’s not a sweater, that’s a rat. Your house is a mess and the last thing you want to do is clean it. The solution is have your man clean everything, get a housekeeper or let the mice lick your floors clean.

Fertility clinics should really include a house keeping service along with their treatments. For only $600, you get an IUI and a house keeper. Good deal.

photo: here