Ever seen one of these signs? Sometimes they are innocently hanging in a bathroom stall or on the wall at your local restaurant. But for you, all you see is the word PREGNANCY flashing before your eyes. And the sign makes you cry. Continue reading »
Jul 11
“My friend’s dry cleaner’s daughter also took Clomid. Do you want her phone number?”
The second someone finds out you’re having fertility issues, they automatically want to connect you to someone with similar issues. Well meaning as they are, sometimes we just don’t want to call a complete stranger just because she has a similar blocked fallopian tube. Continue reading »
Feb 01
Your friend is pregnant. You know because every day she posts pictures of her growing belly on Facebook, and then you spend hours crying during her baby shower.
But do you really have to play the extremely un-fun game of “Guess your Due Date” as well? This ‘game’ starts when your friend’s due date is nearing, and everyone is invited to play. People gleefully play the game, giggling “January 1… No! I’m guessing January 3 instead.” You might even play just to show you are a stable infertile and completely not jealous of her pregnancy. But with every good game, there should be a prize. So what do you actually win? I think it’s fair to suggest, you should win her baby. Just a joke, of course. You say to her husband with a strange high pitch laugh. You are also a fan of “Guess the name” and “Is it a boy or a girl?” But how about “Guess how much baby weight she’s gained?” or “Guess how long it took her to get knocked up?”
Now, they should participate your super fun games too. “Guess when you’ll finally conceive” or “Guess how many IUI’s you’ll have to do before getting pregnant” is always a fan favorite. Correct answers are the years 2011 through 2066 and 6 to 10 IUIs.
Jan 21
It’s another birthday and it’s time to blow out those candles. But golly gee wiz, what will you wish for? Duh!
It is wildly believed that before you blow your birthday candles out, you need to make a wish and if you don’t tell anyone, it will come true. Maybe that’s why you aren’t pregnant yet because every single person in that room knows what you wished for. Even your two year old nephew knows that you wished for a baby. Close your eye. Deep breath “By my next birthday, I wish to be pregnant or have a baby.” Blow out those candles (all 45 of them!). The room is awkward as everyone claps politely, even your uterus applauds. How wonderful! She blew out all those candles but we all know what she wished for. “I bet she wished for a baby,” Great Aunt Gertie whispers the obvious.
Oh great. Now, EVERYONE knows what you wished for, so how will it come true? Well maybe you’re wrong everyone! Maybe you actually wished for plentiful cervical mucus and for your husband to magically produce good quality semen! Not to worry, according to your fertility doctor you’re still very young.
Now, who wants a slice of cake?
photo: here
Jan 21
The infertility advice.
It comes from anyone and everyone from your Great Aunt Mildred (“In my day, I would drink a special tea to get pregnant”) to your eyebrow waxing lady (“I got pregnant by getting really drunk“). Did we ask for your advice? It seems that everyone believes they are qualified to hand out infertility advice but somehow it’s not reciprocal. Your mommy friend can give you advice on your IVF treatment but you can’t give her parenting tips?
MOMMY FRIEND: Little Tommy just won’t sleep through the night. We’re currently trying the Cryhiseyesout method but nothing seems to be working.
YOU: Have you tried a routine and putting him to bed every night at the same time? (Her look says, why is this childless woman giving me parenting advice?)
YOU: We’re going for our fourteenth IVF cycle next month.
MF: I heard putting pillows under your behind after sex will help.
(Your look says, that was so five years ago, lady).
Great news! Everyone is allowed to give you infertility advice and you are not allowed to give out any advice whatsoever. Great. That seems completely fair.
photo: here
Jan 20
It’s strange. You would never describe yourself as a jealous person. A woman could flirt with your husband and you’re mildly flattered. Your friend gets a great promotion and you’re genuinely happy for her.
But when someone gets pregnant, whether a friend or a complete stranger, you’re jealous, evil side emerges.
It doesn’t even matter who it is. You’re completely envious of all your pregnant friends but you are also jealous of complete strangers on the street, Facebook friends from your past, your parents friend’s children, and anyone else who happens to walk by you that could look pregnant. Good lord, they don’t even have to be pregnant to get your jealousy started – you are jealous even if they seem to have an unconfirmed belly budge or if their television character is pregnant. You would even be jealous of a woman who got pregnant knowing that she suffered through years of infertility treatments. You would be jealous if you’re dog was having puppies, Mertie, the bird, got pregnant or even if a cartoon character was expecting. Damm you Marge Simpson! You never had infertility problems with Bart, Lisa or Maggie! You were jealous of the pregnant “man” and wished you could be the Octomom too.
Wow. Bubbles, your goldfish, is having babies. Yup… Still jealous.
Jan 17
Doctors recommend that you should be at your ideal weight when trying to conceive.
Oh, so that’s all we have to do? Just lose (or even gain) those extra 10 pounds? Super! That seems so incredibly easy. Perhaps, you were at your ideal weight 3+ years ago and then entered the wonderful world of infertility. You gained extra weight thanks to fertility drugs and then added some additional pounds due to a couple miscarriages. You would have hit the gym but your RE told you to refrain from exercise for a two week period. Then when you tried to exercise, your underwear overflowed with vaginal suppository discharge and you almost tripped on the puddle beneath you. And when you got your period and saw that negative pregnancy test, yet again, did you feel like eating healthy? NO WAY! You had cookies and a bowl of sugar for lunch followed by a bag of potato chips dipped in chocolate liqueur or dinner. But in a way, you have exercised! You’ve had sex almost 5,000 times in the past few years and then did acrobats following including putting pillows under your butt and doing a full handstand.
A few years ago, you might have been at your ideal weight for conceiving but your bank account was also filled with money.
photo: here
Jan 11
If you are a true infertility, you know what the acronym TTC means because you chart your BBT almost everyday. But a serious infertile also knows the full infertility acronyms, SCREW YOU, style.
RE – Retriever of eggs.
BBT – Barren but terrific.
TTC – Trying to come.
WTFAINPY – Why the fuck am I not pregnant yet?
ITOPWIP – I’m the only person who isn’t pregnant.
YHTBITYALSDYT – You had two babies in two years? A little slutty, don’t you think?
MFAAPAAMEAITF – My friends are all pregnant and all my embryos are in the freezer.
ICEGPWTPTSRITE – I can’t even get pregnant when they put the sperm right into the egg.
WIOB – Where is our baby?
IDWTHYPN – I don’t want to hear your pregnancy news.
CMIMFTOM – Cervical mucus is my favorite type of mucus.
WRAIDH – We relaxed and it didn’t happen.
PTATD - Pregnancy tests are the devil.
IGHOFA – I get high on (folic) acid.
ILAMVDMTILAMH – I look at my vaginal discharge more than I look at my husband.
IWSMFCIIHT – I will stalk my fertility clinic if I have to.
IWTSBBIKTTIMH – I want to steal babies but I keep that thought in my head.
WSHH…… We still have hope.
Jan 04
Does this sound familiar?
You are sitting on the toilet seat in your bathroom, going about your business, when you remember the used negative pregnancy stick sitting in your garbage can. You take it out of the trash and look at it again. Yup. Still negative. Then a “brilliant” thought enters your mind….. What if you pee on it again and see if it changes to a positive. You know the test instructions claim that it is invalid after 10 minutes but it doesn’t say anything about the validity of a used pregnancy test after 24 hours. And this is when you do the “re-pee.”
RE-PEE
Verb, definition: to urinate on a used pregnancy stick (preferably your own) to see if it changes from negative to positive.
Strangely, when you do the re-pee, nothing happens. Maybe something is wrong with the test! There is still only one line and then you throw the used test back into the trash can. Hide all the evidence. Later, you might confess to your partner or friend what you did. But don’t brag about it. Only an infertile understands the re-pee. Other people just think urinating on a used stick is gross. When clearly, it’s not.
Don’t be ashamed to do the re-pee. It happens to all of us.
Jan 03
The two week wait will determine your fate.
It starts with a date with your wedded mate
You need his best Grade A bait to be inserted into your special gate
You pay a large rate and hope Aunt Flow is late
Then, you wait…
During the two week wait, you begin to gain weight
From all that chocolate you ate
Because you just licked the plate
You’re filled with such hate
You’re not feeling too great
And you’re being irrate (which is not a good trait)
You want to crawl underground into a grate
Or at least live in another state
Maybe Kuwait?
You pray that little Kate or baby Nate will be worth the wait
Until then, you wait to see your fate
Dec 24
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The Scenario:
You are dreading signs of your period, and you go to the toilet in a dimly lit restaurant. You pee, you wipe and then you look. But wait! The restroom is dimly lit and it is too dark to see the toilet paper. YIKES! You squint your eyes and try to stare at that TP from every angle. Is that a red smudge or is it just too dark to see properly? You try to hold the paper up to cracks of light in the door but no luck. Maybe if you stand on the toilet you can see better or perhaps you should take the toilet paper out of the stall to the sink area. “Just inspecting the toilet paper,” You will tell the other ladies. If any of them are infertile, they will understand. Maybe also try carrying a flashlight or a box of matches. Lighting a match in a restroom stall seems like a great idea.
Dec 19
Parties with your friends sure have changed.
Once upon a time, the night ended with Mikey drinking too much and puking in your garden, and now the party starts at 2:00pm and ends by 4:00pm to coincide with baby nap time.
And then all the first birthday parties begin.
You and your husband arrive to a bunch of toddlers running around. Alcohol is minimal, if any, and there are heart shaped cookies for snack. You would have had a piece of birthday cake but you were turned off by the sight of your friends bottled breast milk sitting beside it.You can no longer have a conversation with your girlfriends without talking about breast pumps, strollers or dirty diapers. And they don’t talk to you about it. They are talking to your other mommy friends and you just stand in the corner, pretending to listen. Your daddy friend, Billy, who once ran naked through your street on a dare, now says words like “milky milk,” or asks “what sound does a doggie make?” or “who has a dirty bum bum?” You friends all chase after their kids or are busy reading a story about a cat and a furry bunny. Out loud. You all sing happy birthday to the birthday girl with a baby squeaky voice, and then politely clap and giggle as she throws cake in her face.
If you want to change the subject, try talking about your latest IVF cycle or how embryos were removed from your uterus last week. Perhaps, your mommy friends would be interested in your latest cervical mucus discovery or that your temperature was slightly higher this morning, making you feel somewhat happier. And please don’t make us hold your baby because we really want to but we’re tempted to steal it.
Happy 1st birthday.
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