It is one week before your expected period and you truly believe that your breasts will tell you the answer. You give your breasts a better examination than a doctor giving a mammogram.

First, you check yourself out in the mirror to examine those boobies in all their glory. Your right breasts seems to be heavier than your left breast. If you had a produce scale in your house, you might try to weigh them (Do you?? Keep that to yourself). You think to yourself that your breasts seem more tender and sore than usual. You believe this is an early pregnancy symptom for sure. Your right side is definitely more tender. You quickly google “tender breasts one week before period.” You find a slew of google answers and a couple of tell you that you ‘might be pregnant!’ You may ask your husband if your breasts look larger. He takes a look but doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear. He thinks they look the same.

Yah for those google doctors!

You have never examined your nipples so much in your life. You check your nipples for color: are my nipples looking a little too brown or a little too pink? You swear that your nipple looks different. You also google “darker colored nipples, early pregnancy symptom?” The google doctor tells you again you might be pregnant. You love this doctor!

But then you get your period. Your stupid period.

Don’t worry, next month you will fall for the same trick again and examine your breasts to no end. How do I know this? My breasts feel heavier and more sore this month and I have done all of the analyzing above.

Your friend tells you that she got pregnant ‘by accident.’ You heard that another friend wasn’t even trying and she got pregnant. A co-worker forgot to take her birth control and she got pregnant. Another just coughed, and she got pregnant with twins. Well, congratulations! We are so happy for you.

What in the world is an ‘accidental pregnancy?’ How is that even possible we wonder.

We have all heard stories about someone getting ‘accidentally pregnant’ but everyone who is having trouble conceiving knows accidental pregnancies cannot exist. My co-worker claimed ’she wasn’t even trying’ when she drank too much one night and ended up pregnant on the first time. A few years ago, the condom broke for us and that did not result in an ‘accidental pregnancy.’ It resulted in us purchasing better quality condoms (although we all wish we threw out those condoms years ago).

For us infertiles, the correct definition of accidental pregnancy actually means:

trying to conceive naturally for a year without any luck, then going to a fertility doctor, then enjoying all those internal tests, forcing your husband to get an uncomfortable sperm test (no, it’s not like you see in the movies), then trying fertility drugs mixed with sticking needles in our butts, then paying $20,000 for fertility treatments and then FINALLY after 6 years, getting pregnant only to go onto have secondary infertility.

That, my friends, is the real definition for ‘accidental pregnancy.’

We all do it each morning.

You get out of bed and sit on the toilet while taking your basal temperature. The directions say that the best time to take your temperature is first thing in the morning before any activity. You now know your temperature to the exact decimal. It’s sad really.

You know you’ve ovulated but you continue to take your temperature each morning. You feel so elated when you see your temperature spike; and when it begins to drop, that’s when you do whatever it takes: it’s time to trick the thermometer!

You might try to take your temperature at different times of the day when you know your temperature will be elevated. You take it after a bath, after a workout, or stepping out of the shower. In the morning, you may just decide to take your temperature and pee at the same time. Congratulations! Your temperature is elevated!

You may even decide to remove the thermometer from your mouth when you notice things aren’t going your way. The thermometer seems to be increasing too slowly which means your temp is dropping. Remove the thermometer now and keep your sanity! Do yourself a favor and stop taking your temperature each morning. You should know by now when you ovulate (or don’t ovulate).

That pink thermometer won’t get you pregnant so go stick something else in your mouth.

I will not include a picture in this post – I want to have a family-friendly blog.

You just ‘knew’ that you would have problems conceiving before you even started. You had heard it might take a few months but you truly thought it would take you no more than 4 months. Guess what? You were wrong!

You knew early on that you were going to have problems based on your (secret) examination of his sticky white substance. Does he have low sperm count? You had wondered to yourself. You had casually checked out his ‘liquids’ on a few occasions; and you might have even compared it to your ex-boyfriends to ‘come’ to your conclusion: your hubby has low sperm count. You had remembered your ex’s being more plentiful but you don’t mention this to your hubby. You are just privately worried.

At the time of the discovery, you had no medical background to support your hard (o.k soft) findings and you were definitely a non-experienced sperm examiner, but on some level you knew. You just knew. A wife always knows.

I bet this never even crossed your mind on your wedding day (although you sort of wished it did)!

Dr. Phil loves her and the media goes crazy over her. Nadya Suleman, the single mom of 14 children made international headlines when she gave birth to octuplets through IVF while having 6 small children at home already. I have to admit, I was privately envious of her and thought to myself that I would love to have that many babies (although realistically, I’m sure I wouldn’t). If you don’t happen to know who she is (which you should), visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nadya_Suleman

Controversial or not, I am willing to admit I was envious of the Octo Mom.

Am I alone on this?