Want to be a part of my blog? Suggest a reason why infertility is funny here!
You dig around in your menstrual blood clots in the toilet. You thoroughly examine it to make sure it’s just a mucus clump and not a gestational sac.
Because even though you’re late you don’t want to take another test because it will say no. You wait it out and your 5 days late and you give in… take a test… only one line appears and like magic your period starts flowing confirming the big fat negative!!
“Oh shoot, is my period starting? *sigh*…. phew, no I’m just leaking progesterone!”
Because to make a baby, you and your husband don’t even have to have sex anymore! Your doctor can magically inseminate you with a catheter! How romantic! And later in the month, if your husband gets frisky and you want to let him down easy, tell him you just put in a progesterone suppository.
When you try and train your husband to feel your cervix for you during Foreplay.
When the stupid 15 year old you work with gets pregnant on a one night stand. Then cant understand how she got pregnant becuase the guy was gay!!!!!!! AHHGGRRRR
You shave your legs and paint your toenails because you have an appointment with your fertility doctor. You used to do that for hot nights with your hubby.
Six people with all the doctors, nurses and students in the room while I had my transvaginal ultrasound today.
I dare anyone at work to ask me what I did on my day off.
when you would love to buy nice designer items which you should be able to do as you dont have kids to buy for..oh no the purse and bank are empty while you spend every penny you have and more trying to make said baby!! Thanks for the reminder louis vuitton
When your best friend (who has 3 older kids and has repeatedly stated that she is done having babies) comes over to your house asking for a pregnancy test – because, you know, you have a billion of them stockpiled in your bathroom. After the test comes back positive, you tell her your tears are “tears of happiness.” Later that night, you drown your sorrows and jealousy in a gallon of ice cream.
You get mad at your husband for having the stomach flu, because he feels nauseous and sick in the morning and you don’t.
Why attend a baby shower when you can throw yourself an infertility party?
Fun games can include:
1. egg retrieval: an ovary-shaped pinata stuffed with Cadbury eggs
2. fertilization: pin the sperm on the ovum
3. see-saw (low-budget) or, if you really want to splurge, rent Emotion: the larger-than-life roller-coaster (big budgets)
4. Guess the number of negative pregnancy tests in the jar — win 5% off your next IVF cycle
5. Another guessing game: Guess how much money the guest of honor/hostess has spent so far on unsuccessful babymaking.
6. Bingo, using the top phrases you should never say to an infertile. Free space is “it’ll happen when the time is right.”
7. Instead of “What Time is It, Mr. Fox?” play “What Time is it, Dr. Reproductive Endocrinologist?”
8. Freeze (an embryo) tag! (Warning: not everyone survives the thawing process.)
Serve sushi, wine, coffee, and anything else a pregnant woman can’t eat.
when your friend wishes you a happy birthday by saying “someone has a bday coming up” and you read that as “baby” only to proceed to tell her in able to laugh at yourself…but her reply is “You have to stop wanting it so badly! When you stop WANTING it, you’ll get pregnant!”…never mind the fact that your husband has 0% morphology…
When your husband wants to take you out to a concert your favorite band growing up just to feel better and not think about the problem for a few hours and the singer comes out jumping to the music with a big pregnant belly…ridiculous of course!
oh and today did this – when you stay home sleep all day on the couch with the tv on only to wake up for the 3 shows in a row of “I didnt know i was pregnant” waiting for someone to have a situation like yours or even just look like you hahah
1. You go to your weekly Weight Watchers meeting and you put on a pound even though you know you were careful and your team leader asks “do you have your period” and you think, “well, I bloody well hope not!”
2. If your hubby is not in the mood to have “sex by appointment” you can tell him that “its just what the doctor ordered.”
3. A negative pregnancy test means you can drink all the wine you haven’t been drinking “just in case”
4. You can make jokes about getting “a little prick every evening”
You have a good reason why you won’t have college money for your kid… You spent it all TTC.
How about when your pre-natal makes you feel nausious and you try to convince yourself it’s morning sickness? haha.
You’ve had a few extra ovulation test strips left over (because you bought the box of 20 of course) and read someplace that they will turn positive if pregnant…so you start peeing on those too during the end of the 2ww…because your convinced you won’t need them next month anyway
Because you refused to buy Tampons this month…you crazily go through every old purse in your closest like a mad women, hoping to find a few you might have left behind.
How about the “Clomid Period?” Because you can’t just have a ‘normal’ period to break the news that Mother Nature is a snooty b*tch. oh nooo, you get the “Clomid Period”: Super heavery, Super crampy. A simple tampon? Ha, Tampon AND Pad for you poor soul!
Whenever I read about a celebrity having a baby, the first thing I look for is her age. “Well, she was already 42 when she had her baby… so there’s hope for the rest of us!” And if the celebrity has additional older kids, I just dig up the kids’ ages and do the math. For example: “She had her first kid at age 36, the second one at 39, and the last one at 42.”
I can’t be the only one doing this, can I?
Because, sometimes you just want to yell: “Screw you Mother Nature!” and give your self the excuse of eating a pint of icecream and chasing it with a bottle of wine. Seriously…I found out 3 people were pregnant today…to go along with my already 6…count them 6 coworkers!! *
Because as long as you don’t conceive, you never have to worry about this cake showing up at your baby shower: http://thefirstcomesloveblog.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-bright-side.html
The receptionist and phlebotomist stop asking you for your information when you come for your blood work and ultrasounds. Because you’re not responding to the drugs for the umpteenth time you’ve become such a frequent flyer that they know your name, birthday and address from memory.
The phlebotomist has getting blood out of you down to a science. She knows that you need the heat pack, the tight tourniquet and to squeeze test tubes for five minutes and just maybe that vein in your left arm will fill up a small tube on the first try.
Also you know that you’ve been in treatment too long when you can tell the ultrasound tech more about your uterus than she can find on screen. You’ve spent so much time in stirrups staring at ultrasound screens that you can almost tell her what she’s taking a picture of and how big it is that day.
My husband (who has the worlds worst sperm) would have had about 50 babies, all to different women by now if it wasn’t for infertility! That boy was such a tart before I came along….
I will save a fortune on contraceptives.
You know you’re infertile when you can correctly spell words like medroxyprogesterone from memory.
When I say “we are trying” and you instantly know. When you know what TTC, TWW, BA and AF stand for.
You are one of the rarest people to hear this compliment: “You have beautiful and abundant cervical mucus.” Plus you are actually happy to hear that.
You watch your diet like crazy, giving up coffee, and still.. your coworker sitting next to you, come in every single morning having her breakfast of diet coke, followed my sugary cereal, snacking instant microwave pop corn.. and she’s fertile and talks about her kid all day long.
It’s funny how once your infertility friend, who finally got a child, completely forget about you. Once upon a time you cried together, and talked about how mean your fertile friends are, but now she’s becoming one of them, bombarding facebook post with the baby pic, baby talk, and become awkward with you. It’s funny how quickly we can forget about all the pain once we get what we want.
When you do everything right (no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no caffiene, taking prenatal pills everyday for 4 years…) and all the drugies your related too keep getting pregnant!! How is this fair??
When your jealous that your cats keep getting pregnant and every other animal you see with babies or who are pregnant
Your coworkers ask you why you are missing so much work so you tell them that you are starting IVF and they say Congratulations!!!…um thanks I guess…considering all the years of TTC, tests, heartache, money, etc., I don’t think congratulations would be the correct word.
“I love the women I talk to that tell me that they have a “PLAN” for when they will have children. They tell me that they are planning to finish grad school, wait until this big project at work is through, or until little Johnny is two. Then they will go forward with this plan. As if a person has the ability to just decide- Now we are ready, so the baby will come. Wait, I guess most do have that ability!!”
When I first told my mom that we were TTC, and had been for about a year and half, she mentioned that she was surprised by that. Apparently, the females in my family tend to be super fertile. She told me that her and Dad have, in their entire marriage, had unprotected sex 3 times. They have 3 children. xD
I actually didn’t mind her telling me (it wasn’t upsetting, just kind of a funny sidenote), but I admit that now I’m jealous of my own parents!
“A confessed “infertile” friend told me, (after she announced her 3rd pregnancy), “dont worry…youre next!” I thought she was infertile, you know what gave it away…her three kids!”
Hey now, let’s not bring the Mommy Wars to infertiles. Are we going to kick people out of the club just because their 7th round of IVF finally succeeded? Now if your friend considered herself infertile because it took 6 months to get pregnant well… I’ll bring the pitchforks, if you bring the torches!
After 3 years of trying with at least 7 IUIs (stopped counting..), two IVFs with retrievals each because the most follicles you can get is 2 no mater the drugs, one miscarriage from the natural attempt which began this journey and included a D&C for the incomplete miscarriage (can’t even do that right), a chemical pregnancy which may or may not have been from one of the IUIs, a full year of attending adoption classes/meetings, hearing from adoptive families, completing a mountain of paperwork, discussing parenting issues that most people may never discuss or will not for another 10 years, screening and hiring an adoption attorney, coming to the end of 6 months with the “expert” accupuncturist, 3 months with a nutrition-type therapist who has you on a gluten-dairy-corn-soy-and any grain-free diet, several visits with a spritual healer, deciding adoption really may be the preferred way to make your family and you start looking forward to it…..you get pregnant naturally! Too soon to know if this one sticks, but life sure is interesting. This journey has matured me in ways I would never have expected and reminded me that many things are really out of our control. We can only control how we react (sometimes…), process (more so..), and chose to live my life with the cards on the table. This website and fertility support groups help a lot. Thanks to all for sharing!
Because you actually want to throw up to prove to yourself that the pre-menstrual queasiness is actually something more than what you experience every month!!
Laughing because you know the protocol for flying with liquid medication post 9.11! In my second week at a new job I had to travel for training and it was right in the middle of injections…had to find out how to fly with a liquid medication that also had to be kept cool They tested my ice packs for bomb residue..nothing like feeling the eyes on you because people think you’re a terrorist and you just want to scream, ‘don’t worry, I’m just infertile’…like that would ease the situation
Because with all the time I’ve been trying I’ve now come up with 10 first and middle names for the kids I don’t think I’ll ever have
When others are talking about their babies you find yourself talking about your fur baby like a real baby. “Kimbie has been waking us up at 5am but we have her in a good routine.” Then you wonder why everyone is looking at you strange.
You secretly enjoy taking fertility meds because it allows you to get away with all kinds of inappropriate behavior by blaming it on the hormones.
You refuse to give up your seat on the bus for a pregnant woman because you are jealous of her and this is your petty way of taking revenge.
I find it rather convenient when I ovulate the last day of the month. My dpo matches what calendar date it is.
You not only know every possible symptom of pregnancy, but also everything about giving birth (and all those possible positions, complications, just the right way to cut the cord, etc), more than most fertile women would ever know, even after giving birth.
When discussing your inability to have children with your Dr. he says, “Yeah every time I look at my wife she gets pregnant.” ummm…so you’ve only looked at her twice, I wouldn’t brag about that buddy. Points for being sensitive.
You drink parsley tea.
You are just at the beginning of the journey. Endless trying and ‘relaxing’ has got you no where. Youve seen the fertility specialist who barely looks at you before whipping you off to get a long list of ‘routine’ and expensive tests. Now you jist need the HSG test done so you can go find out what the hell is wrong and what the next step is. You are feeling a bit crazy after already spending thousands just to know whats wrong while in the meantime two more friends have made their big announcement and your sister, who has endometriosis, has just had her 3rd accident baby. So you want this damn HSG scan done. As soon as you get your period you can call up and book in. Of course, you know exactly what cycle day you are on. Your period was due over a month ago. Still nothing. The only time you have wanted AF to show up, and she’s decided to stay at home and catch up on the laundry. You resort to Dr Google: How to Induce a Period. You scroll through all the panicked ‘i think i might be pregnant, how can i induce my period??’ and find the recipe- One large handful of parsley to a cup of hot, not boiling water. Let steep for half an hour and Bon Appetit! Sounds legit. Your day has started with a cup of parsley tea and now you are scrutinising every twinge in you ovaries. Check the toilet paper every ten minutes, and.think about how youre going to break your exciting news to hubby…. ‘Darling, sit down. Today, well, …. I got my period!!!!’
because you just set a new personal record for your longest cycle yet.
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