You could have been a gymnast or at least a member of Cirque du Soleil. You really missed your calling.

Your doctor recommended putting a pillow under your behind and laying on your back for 30 minutes after baby-making sex. No urinating either ladies (a mistake you made several times, early on!) But I don’t recall your doctor ever informing you that you need to do a headstand or any other gymnastic pose. But you still continue to do them all.

You have tried:

• a full headstand.
• a partial headstand where you place your hands on your lower back and lift your legs straight above your head.
• lifting your pelvis.
• putting TWO or THREE pillows under your behind (the recommended one pillow is not working out for you).
• laying on the bedroom floor and placing your legs on the wall.
• any other yoga pose.

Your husband continues to be impressed during each of your Cirque du Soleil performances.
If you are interested in tickets, the next performance is days 10-20, every other day.

What other poses have YOU done?

It’s like you’re on The Amazing Race. You must get your husband’s sperm sample to the fertility clinic within 45 minutes.

GO!

You quickly review your options. The clinic is 20 minutes away, 30 in bad traffic. Will you make it if he does his business at home and you race the sample to the clinic? You might make it but just barely. You both decide that it is safer if he gives his sample in the car at the fertility clinic parking lot. Very romantic. But this will maximize time.

Time Remaining: 45 Minutes to get sperm to clinic!
You have driven like a mad woman and you are now sitting in the fertility clinic parking lot. Your husband is looking fearful beside you. “There is no time.” You shout to him and hand him the cup. “GO!” You throw a blanket over top of him and you let him get to work. You turn on the car and play some romantic music – like that will even help. Your husband finishes. You glance inside the cup. Looks plentiful. Good work husband! GO!

Time Remaining: 43 Minutes!
A knock on the car door scares the hell out of both of you. It is the parking lot security guard asking you to move your car. Yikes! You are parked in a handicap spot. As you have lost all of your dignity already, you grab your hubby’s sperm cup and stick it in your bra to keep that sperm warm. The security guard does not look impressed. Neither does your husband. GO!

Time Remaining: 30 Minutes!
Takes way too long to find a parking spot. But you are not panicking as you have half an hour left and you are right outside of the clinic. You’re wearing a short sleeve shirt and the sperm cup is sticking out from your chest. You quickly put the cup under your arm pit. GO!

Time Remaining: 25 Minutes!
Stupid elevator takes a long time. People are staring at you as they notice the cup under your arm pit. Your husband jokingly says aloud “Is that a cup under your arm pit or are you just happy to see me?” You glare at him. GO!

Time Remaining: 20 Minutes!
You arrive on the 10th floor and rush into the fertility clinic. There is a line-up at the front desk. You push ahead and other women holding sperm cups under their pits snarl at you. You don’t care. You thrust it into a nurse’s hand and tell her to keep it warm. She takes it from you and you give a sigh of relief. You start to leave and notice that the nurse has stopped to chat with someone. The cup is still in her hands, getting cooler by the minute. GO!

Time Remaining: 15 Minutes!
You practically fly into her and yell something about cooling sperm. She smiles politely as if she has heard this many times before. She reassures you and takes away the sperm. You have completed the race with 15 minutes to spare!

If you were on The Amazing Race, you and your husband would have been ‘the first to arrive’ and would have won the one million dollars! Instead of winning the money, you will be giving away money to that fertility clinic. One day, at your child’s wedding, you might even tell them the story of your adventures on The Amazing Race. I’m sure they would love to hear that story!

You know you’re obsessed with pregnancy when even morning sickness sounds good to you. But does it really? I bet any pregnant woman would tell you otherwise. Excessive vomiting, non-stop diarrhea, nausea, laying on the bathroom floor begging for saltine crackers – I can see why you would be envious. It sounds absolutely fantastic!

To any woman trying to conceive, the mere thought of any pregnancy symptoms makes us happy, even morning sickness. When you feel nauseated, you get excited thinking you might be pregnant. You throw up from last nights Chinese food, you happily rush to take your basal temperature. You couldn’t be more overjoyed! Yes. We live in a delusional world and I’m sure that when morning sickness actually occurs, you will not feel as overjoyed. You once got ill after eating your lunch which was completely unlike you. You rarely barf. You were convinced that you were pregnant but it also could have been from the undercooked meat. When your period arrived the next day, you convinced yourself that you miscarried.

So ask yourself, would you really give anything to have morning sickness right now? I bet when you get the flu or food poisoning, no one is envious of you! You would really do anything to be a mother and if you are envious of the dreaded morning sickness, you absolutely deserve to be a mama right now.

Remember when girls night out use to be going out for drinks with your best girlfriends and chatting about boyfriends or how it sucks to be single?

Your new Saturday nights now include going to book club and listening while your friends chat about their new babies. You love your friends babies, you really do but sometimes when you are sitting with a bunch of new moms, you have to fake a smile. You often find yourself in the midst of ‘moms night out’ and end up spending most of the evening talking to the only single girl who is probably feeling even worse than you. You will go home and cry to your husband, she goes home, puts on a Rod Stewart album and drinks an entire bottle of wine herself thinking that she will die alone. New moms have a way of chatting endlessly about their babies bowel movements, the latest spit up and the new cute thing that their precious little one did that day. New moms seem to forget that non-moms can’t really relate yet. We try, but we are so engrossed in our own infertility issues that talking about baby Mandy’s poopie diaper isn’t a high priority for us.

Depending on the time of the month, you should really consider if you even want to spend a whole night out with those baby mamas. If you are still in that “I could be pregnant” phase, than go out and enjoy! You might be a mama soon too! But if you just got your period that day, seeing a bunch of new moms and their babies might make you spend the entire evening crying in their bathroom. You decide. Listen, you don’t mean to act like this. You definitely don’t want to feel like this especially because you are truly happy for your friends, but it’s okay that you do. So the next time, you go out for ‘moms night out,’ prepare yourself ahead of time – drink before hand and wear a baggy shirt to make you feel pregnant. It’s a little sick but it’s still okay!