Some people drunk dial or drunk text while others should just not pick up the phone after a failed IUI.

You had your IUI, survived the horrible two week wait and have been waiting for your pregnancy test results. NEGATIVE! The moment you discover that your IUI did not work is a terrible day for you, your husband and anyone who happens to cross paths with you. Whatever you do – DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE! You don’t seem to listen….

Calling the fertility clinic…
(Sniff. Sniff). “I am calling on (sniff) day one of my cycle. I just had a (gulp) failed (gasp) IUI. (Sniff). I don’t (sniff) understand what to do (gulp) next (waaaa). The doctor wants to see (sniff) me? You’re not sure why? You can’t tell (gulp) me anything?”

Your sister calls….
“No, nothing is wrong. I am fine. I just have a cold. No, you can’t borrow my dress. Don’t get mad at me, you are the stupid one. I’m not talking to you anymore either”

Your cousin calls….
“You are pregnant AGAIN? Didn’t you just have a baby? Are you some type of slut? Use some birth control, really!”

Your partner calls….
“Yes. I am still upset about this. I have been crying all day and you seem like you don’t even care that we are infertile.”

A telemarketer calls….
“Are you kidding??? Do you think I actually want to buy a vacuum? I bet you have children, right? Must be nice to be so fertile. How did you get my number you stupid b#@&*!”

Do yourself a favor and let the answering machine pick up your messages.

You think it’s not fair. You have been trying for your first baby long before your friends even started trying. Now, some of them are pregnant with their second.

So what?

For those of you embarking on the fertility journey, you know you have a higher chance of multiples. So what if your friends are on their second? You will catch up pretty easily. When your girlfriend is pregnant with her second, you could be pregnant with your fifth. She might have had to have two pregnancies for two kids, you just had one pregnancy for five babies. While you’re on your third baby, she is still only on her second. SUCKER!

So stop thinking that your friends all have one baby or are pregnant with baby #2. You can catch up next month and have more children than any of your friends combined. How many of them have the opportunity to have octuplets? They just get one boring pregnancy with only one baby. Two arms, two legs. Yawn. How boring and traditional.

Four pairs of legs, now that’s interesting!

Photo: here

That awkward fertility clinic waiting room is just so quiet that sometimes you just want to break the silence.

Whether it’s your first fertility appointment or your 100th, here are some great tips to occupy yourself in the waiting room:

1. Snack on an egg. Make sure to only eat the egg whites.
2. Leave your partner’s filled sperm cup near the magazines.
3. Pour a cup of melted marshmallows all over the chairs.
4. Ask the receptionist if they have any “special” brother to sister videos. It gets your guy going.
5. Accompany your guy to the special room and turn up the volume to a Bette Midler song.
6. Drink some apple juice from a urine sample cup.
7. Put a pillow under your shirt and then waddle around the room complaining about your back ache.
8. Stick a basal thermometer in your behind and ask someone to check the temperature.
9. Wear a t-shirt that says “I’m with an infertile.”
10. Steal some underwear during the ultrasounds.

Photo: here

Imagine if Doctor Google told you exactly what you wanted to hear? You spend hours googling your pregnancy symptoms only to be disappointed by the answers.

You question: Does swollen breasts mean I’m pregnant? (actually reads more like: ’swollen breasts, tender nipples, pregnancy?‘)
Dr. Google answer: Tender breasts could also be a sign of your period.

That’s not the answer you want to hear. When you ask Google a question, you are looking for a positive answer. You don’t want to know that IUI has a low success rate or that you will have major side effects from fertility medication. You want Dr. Google to tell you that your symptoms sound like a pregnancy, your husband can conceive without any sperm and that the dark red stain in your underpants could still be implantation bleeding.

It’s sort of like the rest of your life, you ask questions hoping for a positive answer.

To your boss - “Am I still getting that promotion?”
To your partner – “Don’t you just love our wedding centerpieces ?”
To your mother – “Do you like my new salad bowl hair cut?”
To your friend - “Did you like my new recipe for stuffed folic acid casserole?”

The correct answer should be: “Yes. You are definitely pregnant this time.”

photo: here

Drink that hot cup of raspberry leaf or green tea, and stick that thermometer in your mouth!

Fantastic!

Why just take your basal temperature first thing in the morning when you can get the exact high temperature you want later on! Taking your temperature in the a.m. only leads to heartache so why not get the results you desire?

• Take that temperature after drinking a cup of tea – no, wait – a large caffeinated coffee!
• Take a hot bath with a good book and your trusty thermometer!
• Have hot baby-making sex and stick that thermometer in (your mouth) right after!
• Run 30 minutes and cool down with your old friend BBT!

You are tired of the monthly heartache and disappointment so give yourself a well deserved treat this month. Uh oh. Looks like your temperature is dropping….Quick, turn on the oven, sit in the sun, jump into a hot tub, microwave that stick! It looks like your temperature is now increasing this month.

You still have hope and a smile for at least another day.