Some people drunk dial or drunk text while others should just not pick up the phone after a failed IUI.

You had your IUI, survived the horrible two week wait and have been waiting for your pregnancy test results. NEGATIVE! The moment you discover that your IUI did not work is a terrible day for you, your husband and anyone who happens to cross paths with you. Whatever you do – DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE! You don’t seem to listen….

Calling the fertility clinic…
(Sniff. Sniff). “I am calling on (sniff) day one of my cycle. I just had a (gulp) failed (gasp) IUI. (Sniff). I don’t (sniff) understand what to do (gulp) next (waaaa). The doctor wants to see (sniff) me? You’re not sure why? You can’t tell (gulp) me anything?”

Your sister calls….
“No, nothing is wrong. I am fine. I just have a cold. No, you can’t borrow my dress. Don’t get mad at me, you are the stupid one. I’m not talking to you anymore either”

Your cousin calls….
“You are pregnant AGAIN? Didn’t you just have a baby? Are you some type of slut? Use some birth control, really!”

Your partner calls….
“Yes. I am still upset about this. I have been crying all day and you seem like you don’t even care that we are infertile.”

A telemarketer calls….
“Are you kidding??? Do you think I actually want to buy a vacuum? I bet you have children, right? Must be nice to be so fertile. How did you get my number you stupid b#@&*!”

Do yourself a favor and let the answering machine pick up your messages.

You think it’s not fair. You have been trying for your first baby long before your friends even started trying. Now, some of them are pregnant with their second.

So what?

For those of you embarking on the fertility journey, you know you have a higher chance of multiples. So what if your friends are on their second? You will catch up pretty easily. When your girlfriend is pregnant with her second, you could be pregnant with your fifth. She might have had to have two pregnancies for two kids, you just had one pregnancy for five babies. While you’re on your third baby, she is still only on her second. SUCKER!

So stop thinking that your friends all have one baby or are pregnant with baby #2. You can catch up next month and have more children than any of your friends combined. How many of them have the opportunity to have octuplets? They just get one boring pregnancy with only one baby. Two arms, two legs. Yawn. How boring and traditional.

Four pairs of legs, now that’s interesting!

Photo: here

That awkward fertility clinic waiting room is just so quiet that sometimes you just want to break the silence.

Whether it’s your first fertility appointment or your 100th, here are some great tips to occupy yourself in the waiting room:

1. Snack on an egg. Make sure to only eat the egg whites.
2. Leave your partner’s filled sperm cup near the magazines.
3. Pour a cup of melted marshmallows all over the chairs.
4. Ask the receptionist if they have any “special” brother to sister videos. It gets your guy going.
5. Accompany your guy to the special room and turn up the volume to a Bette Midler song.
6. Drink some apple juice from a urine sample cup.
7. Put a pillow under your shirt and then waddle around the room complaining about your back ache.
8. Stick a basal thermometer in your behind and ask someone to check the temperature.
9. Wear a t-shirt that says “I’m with an infertile.”
10. Steal some underwear during the ultrasounds.

Photo: here

Imagine if Doctor Google told you exactly what you wanted to hear? You spend hours googling your pregnancy symptoms only to be disappointed by the answers.

You question: Does swollen breasts mean I’m pregnant? (actually reads more like: ’swollen breasts, tender nipples, pregnancy?‘)
Dr. Google answer: Tender breasts could also be a sign of your period.

That’s not the answer you want to hear. When you ask Google a question, you are looking for a positive answer. You don’t want to know that IUI has a low success rate or that you will have major side effects from fertility medication. You want Dr. Google to tell you that your symptoms sound like a pregnancy, your husband can conceive without any sperm and that the dark red stain in your underpants could still be implantation bleeding.

It’s sort of like the rest of your life, you ask questions hoping for a positive answer.

To your boss - “Am I still getting that promotion?”
To your partner – “Don’t you just love our wedding centerpieces ?”
To your mother – “Do you like my new salad bowl hair cut?”
To your friend - “Did you like my new recipe for stuffed folic acid casserole?”

The correct answer should be: “Yes. You are definitely pregnant this time.”

photo: here

Drink that hot cup of raspberry leaf or green tea, and stick that thermometer in your mouth!

Fantastic!

Why just take your basal temperature first thing in the morning when you can get the exact high temperature you want later on! Taking your temperature in the a.m. only leads to heartache so why not get the results you desire?

• Take that temperature after drinking a cup of tea – no, wait – a large caffeinated coffee!
• Take a hot bath with a good book and your trusty thermometer!
• Have hot baby-making sex and stick that thermometer in (your mouth) right after!
• Run 30 minutes and cool down with your old friend BBT!

You are tired of the monthly heartache and disappointment so give yourself a well deserved treat this month. Uh oh. Looks like your temperature is dropping….Quick, turn on the oven, sit in the sun, jump into a hot tub, microwave that stick! It looks like your temperature is now increasing this month.

You still have hope and a smile for at least another day.

“I know we had plans for this Saturday. But something came up and I really can’t attend your 50th wedding anniversary party, Mom”

Unfortunately your ovulation cycle does not care whether you have plans or not, when insemination day arrives, all plans get canceled. You wait and wait for this day to come. The day when your partner or donor’s little spermies get inseminated into you. You typically won’t know the exact date until the day before which means you are waiting at the edge of your seat hoping that the day will arrive without having to reschedule any important plans. If you’re smart and know approximately when ovulation will happen, you may try to reschedule your timetable, But those little follicles like to play tricks on you and will arrive when they want to.

“Sorry sister. I will be about an hour late to your wedding. Record the ceremony for me.”

If you really think about it, you really only need to reschedule all plans during that 36 hour ovulation window and maybe the two weeks leading up to ovulation. And maybe just those two weeks after because you will be obsessing about all your (fake) early pregnancy symptoms and won’t be able to think about anything else.

“Sorry. I’m busy on Tuesday. How about we get together the week of December 25th, 2010?”

You see your boss coming towards you and you quickly change your computer screen. Why? Because you have been visiting fertility websites for the last hour.

If you have an office with a door, you may feel confident to browse fertility sites but those open cubicles could lead to trouble. You are baby-obsessed which means that your morning typically starts out with a (decaf) coffee, a quick glance at your work email, a hello to your infertile Twitter friends and a google of your latest pregnancy symptom.

“Just working on that presentation.” You quickly lie to your boss.

Just remember that your company probably owns your computer and has the ability to monitor your work. So at least spice up your searches, and have human resources believe that it’s actually work related. Google words like “fertile presentation,” “pregnancy Excel report” or “cervical fluid office supplies.” It will be much easier to explain yourself later on. You would rather have your boss think you were searching pornography sites than have to explain to HR why you were looking at irarelyovulate.com. When your company starts banning certain fertility sites, you know they are on to you.

For anyone who has a home office, good luck to you!

An open letters to the makers of toilet paper.

Dear Toilet Paper Manufacturer,

I believe we have a real problem with your toilet paper. As a woman struggling with infertility, I stare, analyze and examine your toilet paper on a daily basis. Depending on the day in my cycle, I am either looking for a clear substance (think raw egg whites), a brown or pinkish smudge or a big red splatter to be apparent on the toilet paper (or in my underwear). I am confident that I examine your TP better than any of your staff or health inspectors.

You see, the toilet paper is essential to my day and I have noticed major flaws in your production.

First of all, there are sometimes tiny red or brown dots already present on the white paper BEFORE I wipe. This confuses me to no end – did those red dots come from me or was it present on the paper before I wiped? If I happen to use recyclable paper, there seems to be more dots and smudges already on the paper. I am then forced to wipe again in another location, just to be certain. If you manufacturer white toilet paper, it should be 100 percent white WITHOUT any suspicious smudges! Plus, no one wants to see little stains on a piece of toilet paper anyways. Next time you go into production, please think of the millions of infertile women out there who examine the TP on a daily basis.

Sincerely,

An infertile toilet paper examiner

At your work, you may think that you are the only one experiencing infertility problems, but most likely, there are other women who are in a similar situation.

You hear crying from the bathroom stall and she asks if anyone has an extra tampon.

Fellow infertile blogger, Michele, blogged some great reasons about how to avoid pregnancy.

Here are some other great tips to avoid pregnancy for the infertile gal.

1) Make love often during your fertile period.
2) Monitor your ovulation by charting your temperature or looking at your cervical fluid.
3) Lay down for 30 minutes and do not urinate after sex.
4) Go on powerful fertility drugs and injections.
5) Try costly fertility procedures.
6) Reduce your caffeine and alcohol intake.
7) Read books on conception and how to get pregnant.
Avoid vaginal sprays and scented tampons that could kill sperm.
9) Make sure your partner avoids hot tubs and biking.
10) Exercise and eat healthy.
11) Do not use birth control pills or condoms.
12) See a fertility specialist.

Congratulations! If you follow all of these tips, you will surely NOT get pregnant.

*Disclaimer: Teenage girls, do not follow this advice.

The two week wait – the period (no pun intended) between a fertility procedure and finding out if you’re actually pregnant.

Your fertility procedure is done; and now you’re forced to wait an agonizing 14 days to see if the treatment worked. You won’t admit this even to yourself but you think you might be pregnant this time. Instead, you set yourself up for disappointment and tell yourself that it probably didn’t work anyways.

As each day passes, you experience all the early pregnancy symptoms and discover new ones including (but not limited to):

1) your skin feels abnormally hot.
2) your left breast is more tender than your right.
3) you can’t stop eating green grapes.
4) climbing the stairs makes you out of breath.
5) combining your breakfast cereals makes you feel slightly ill.

So how do you survive the two week wait? Here are some practical suggestions:

1) prank call your fertility clinic and pretend to make an appointment for “Regina Seaman.”
2) rent the movies, Two Weeks Notice starring Sandra Bullock, Two Weeks with Sally Fields or do a Michael J. Fox marathon with Family Ties, Volume 2.
3) see how many times you can write the words “two week wait” on a piece of paper.
4) contact everyone you haven’t spoken to in 10 years including all ex-boyfriends.
5) re-live the procedure again and again in your mind (haven’t you been doing this already?”).

Just breathe and relax. You did great.

You sincerely hope that your fertility doctor does not have caller ID.

Whether you are cycle monitoring or trying a drug-less fertility treatment, booking that fertility appointment is absolutely critical. You only have a limited time frame to find out the necessary information and meet with your doctor.

WHY IS THE RECEPTIONIST NOT PICKING UP THE PHONE??

You have already called the office 4 times today and left 1 message but no one has called you back. Your heart races; your anxiety increases. How are you supposed to relax when the darn clinic doesn’t call you back? You check the telephone for a dial tone. Yup, nothing’s wrong with the phone. You call again. “Hi, it’s me again. Call me back. You know the number.”

You might try to rationalize that you still have 5 more days to book the appointment. Plenty of time, right? NOPE! What if the doctor can’t see me? What if I miss a cycle? What if I have already ovulated? God help you, if the fertility doctor goes on vacation. How dare the office close during the holidays! How dare the fertility doctor take a break! Our pregnancy depends on that office being open 7 days a week.

Time to call back or better yet, take a short visit to the clinic and hope you are not escorted out by security.

In the old days, infertile women were tortured from seeing pregnant women on the street. Now, you get to be tortured through technology as well.

Out of your 600 “friends” on Facebook, at least half are pregnant while your other pals post pictures of their babies developmental stages. It starts with the 3 month belly pictures where friends comment their congratulations, and their profile picture turns into an ultrasound photo. Each month new pictures surface of the belly, and you wish you didn’t turn on your computer. Their status updates start saying how ’sick they feel’ or ‘they can’t wait to give birth already.’ You refuse to comment on their updates but you can’t help but look at their photos.

Thankfully, no one can see your jealousy through the computer screen.

Then, you realize that 40 weeks is soon approaching, and you find out your Facebook BFF just gave birth. Not from a personal phone call but through a status update: “Baby Sally was born yesterday.” Now the photos of the baby start appearing daily.

Monday’s photo album: Sally’s first poopie diaper
Tuesday: Sally’s first burpie
Wednesday: Sally picks her nose
Thursday: Sally gets a heat rash
Friday: Sally barfs pureed squash.

Then, another Facebooker announces a pregnancy and the cycle starts again. You know what, “friend that I met one time 10 years ago,” your baby is not that cute.

How many pregnant women can actually say they’ve seen their future baby in a test tube?

If you’ve ever had a fertility procedure (and were fully conscious), you might have noticed a certain test tube filled with your potential babies (otherwise known as your man’s swimmers). Whether the treatment ultimately works for you or not, there is an amazing moment where you get to witness conception being created. In that moment, anything is possible, hope is alive, and you get to witness a potential beginning of life.

How many women can say they’ve witnessed this magical moment?

You might feel the urge to grab the test tube and try to hug it or take a picture of mommy and baby tube. You might feel the need to spit on your finger and wipe away food or take it to a stroller fit class. Resist temptation! Like any baby, it is very fragile and very sticky. Do not try to act all motherly towards the tube telling it “to stand up straight and not to slouch.” There will be plenty of time to discipline the tube later on. You can always gross out your kids and inform them you once saw them in sperm format. Ewww mommy, you are so gross! I wish you and daddy had sex like all the other parents.

Whether the end results in a positive pregnancy test or not, just know how very lucky you are to have this special moment. Or just try to enjoy the moment because it cost you a fortune.

That cutsy, pink invitation arrives in the mail and your heart drops. You know exactly what it is: the dreaded baby shower.

Thankfully, here are ten helpful tips for surviving the baby shower party:

1) Arrive in tears. You are going to spend most of the baby shower crying in the bathroom anyways so why not make it a public event? Start telling other guests about your struggles with infertility and don’t forget to be very detailed about ovulation and cervical mucus.
2) Tell the guest of honor she looks fat. Everyone might say to her “you look great” but why be like everyone else? You might want to tell her that you once knew someone who only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy.
3) Bring a cake that says: Congratulations! It took you less than a year to conceive!
4) Leave a negative pregnancy test and a package of birth control pills in her bathroom.
5) Spike the non-alcoholic punch and hand out cups to all the kids and the guest of honor (Don’t feel badly. I’m sure in some countries one glass of wine during pregnancy won’t hurt).
6) Introduce inappropriate party games including “Guess the baby daddy” and “pin the tail on the cervix.”
7) For your present, give the guest of honor a couple shirts that say “world’s worst mother” and “number #1 slut.”
Offer to write down who gave what gift. Then mix it up! Oops!
9) Yawn loudly during present opening and ask if you can take a nap in her bed.
10) Put a sign on her front door saying “Baby shower canceled due to marital break-up.”

Let’s be honest, we all feel jealous looking at pregnant women. Right or wrong, we feel envious and that’s okay.

But did you ever think that a pregnant woman feels the exact same way about you?

A pregnant woman walks down the street with toddler in hand. She glares at you thinking “her stomach looks so flat. At least she can still see her ankles.” Her eyes immediately look down at your flat(ish) belly, admiring the curves and shape. The pregger salivates as she sees you enjoying sushi, a coffee and a fresh piece of soft unripe cheese. She follows you into the drugstore and feels envious as you purchase your pregnancy and ovulation predictor kits. She purchases special cream for cracked nipples and stretch marks.

You head towards your fitness club with preggers following close behind. She is almost in tears when she watches you during a cardio class. All she can attend is Pregnancy Fit Classes while every fitness class is for infertiles. She goes home and cries for hours on her husband’s shoulder. It’s not fair – everyone is infertile but her!

Just ask any pregnant woman. I’m sure she feels the exact same way.

The next NY Times bestseller: The Fertility Diet Does Not Work by Dr. Infertile Naomi.

You have read all the books about fertility and diet, but with no pregnancy to show for it. Does a diet really boost your chances of getting pregnant? The experts say it does but the real experts (the infertiles) know the truth.

This fertility diet says:

1) Eat dark greens
You once ate spinach and broccoli everyday during your ovulation cycle. How did that work out for you?
Better alternative: green M&M’s and a glass of green beer during Saint Patrick’s Day.

2) Drink Raspberry Leaf Tea
You once let this tea steep for 24 hours and drank it cold. Mmmm. It was gross.
Better alternative: Raspberry chocolate layer cake? It may not increase your infertility but it sure tastes good.

3) No alcohol
You don’t drink during your cycle but when you know you’re not pregnant, watch out bars! You are the only infertile at Alcoholics Anonymous.
Better alternative: Veal with wine sauce, Tiramisu, a plate of cookies with Baileys poured directly on the cookies.

4) Limit your caffeine
You love your coffee in the morning and have switched to decaf. But during your periods, you would pour the caffeine directly into your veins, if you could.
Better alternative: drink bad coffee days 5-20 and expensive coffee days 1-5.

5) Drink more calcium
Studies say that 1,000 milligrams of calcium may improve his sperm count.
Better alternative: You know what else will improve his sperm count? Whip cream and chocolate sauce during baby-making sex.

Face it, the fertility diet does not work. So let your baby at least enjoy a morning coffee with a nice liquor.

As a veteran infertile, you already know that are many ways to enhance your fertility including:

1. Getting regular exercise.
2. Take Folic Acid.
3. Avoid artificial lubricants.
4. Do it on the right days.
5. Reduce caffeine and alcohol.
6. Relax.
7. Keep his parts nice and cool.
8. Assume the right position.
9. Chart your temperature.
10. Do it every 48 hours if his sperm count is low.

…Blah, Blah, Blah. BORING!

You have tried all of these ways but nothing seems to work. You’re no doctor, but perhaps you’ve been getting the wrong advice about how to increase your fertility. According to no particular article or source, here are the real ways to enhance your fertility:

1. Do it in a public place, preferably under an apple tree.
2. Take a piece of broccoli and swallow whole.
3. Do a full handstand after intercourse, followed by a full back flip. Your husband’s applause will increase his sperm count.
4. Eat a bowl of melted chocolate without a spoon following intercourse.
5. Have intercourse before Oprah but never during Dr. Phil.
6. Create a fertility dance to a Paula Abdul song (other artists won’t be as effective).
7. Melt 4 marshmallows and let sit overnight. Rub on your husband/partner’s nipples at 3:07pm the following day.
8. Wear purple on odd numbered days, blue on even.
9. Drink 4 tablespoons of wine from a baby bottle every Tuesday after sundown.
10. Glue a tampon to your doorbell.

According to many anonymous specialists, these ways will enhance your fertility if attempted on the third of every month.

For other women, getting up 4 times in the middle of the night to urinate means she’s pregnant. For you, peeing multiple times means you drank too much liquid before bed.

Why does our bodies continue to play tricks on us? Each month we are tricked into believing we’re pregnant. We feel excited, then feel disappointed, only to fall for the same trick next month.

You just peed 6 times in 3 hours (you know, you counted), your mouth has a strange metallic taste, and you burped 23 times since breakfast. These MUST be early pregnancy symptoms! You have strange gas pains in your lower abdomen and you are nauseated from the smells in your kitchen. Last night, you spent most of the night running to the toilet to pee. You thought back to your last drink and realized that you only had half a glass of juice with dinner. A little ray of hope tells you that you might be pregnant this time.

Stop torturing yourself already!

You peed a lot because you are nervous, you taste metallic from sitting in front of the computer all day, you keep burping because you ate a burrito and a bowl of bran flakes for breakfast, your ’strange’ gas pains are not strange, oh constipated one, and you are nauseous from the smell in your kitchen because you haven’t washed the dishes!

You are just a gal who happens to have pregnancy symptoms without the pregnancy, and that takes a special talent.

The F word. A word you don’t say in public but you’ll shout at your husband at least once a week. Fertility You!

When you first started trying, you found support in your friends. They would ask about your fertility problems and give you a shoulder to cry on.

But one by one, they got bit by the stork and you started confiding in them less and less. Then they became afraid to talk to you about it. The truth is you don’t mind talking about it (but it really depends on the day), and they seem very afraid to bring up the F word. You both now talk around it. When you get together, they cautiously hint at topics about infertility but will rarely bring it up directly.

In fact, they now speak to you in code:

“I heard your cousin is pregnant” – this means “Are you pregnant yet?”
“How are things?” – this means “Are you pregnant yet?”
“Did you see that new movie yet?” – this means “Are you pregnant yet?”

Your friends mean well, they really do, and you can tell their really trying to be sensitive about your situation. But sometimes they should just blurt out “IT’S BEEN 4 YEARS ALREADY, WHY IN THE WORLD AREN’T YOU PREGNANT YET? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

I’m sure that will make you both feel better.

You might be sitting at the same party but the fertile (aka ‘mom’) and infertile (aka ‘you’) women won’t understand each other.

You might as well be speaking two different languages.

• The fertile discusses her lactation fluid, you chat about cervical fluid.
• The fertile complains about nursing at 3am, you nurse a hangover in the middle of the night.
• The fertile talks about the latest strollers, you talk about your latest mis Carriage.
• The fertile talks about baby acne, you discuss fertility drug-induced acne.
• The fertile makes a splendid recipe with basil, you just took your basal temperature.
• The fertile talks about artificial baby food, you know about artificial insemination.
• The fertile is all about the baby gate, you’re about the surrogate.
• The fertile chats about poopie diapers, you talk about urine tests.
• The fertile talks about drinking from a dixie cup, you just pee in one.

At your next party, when the fertile whines about being pregnant, just drink more wine.

When most women get pregnant, the couple spends the next nine months trying to think of a suitable namefor their child.

Great news! You are not like most women.

The infertile woman has already chosen her child’s name long before she tried to conceive and during the many long months following. You had a lot time to think about baby names and who you wanted to name your child after. At times, you were convinced that girl baby, Mindy-Sue, and boy baby, Chuckie-Juan, were the perfect names but later questioned them should twins or triplets be in your future. You have spent hours asking your husband if he likes the name ‘Mack’ or if he would interested in having a daughter named ‘Clomid.’ Either way, you know your future children’s names.

But what if someone steals your names?

You’ve been trying to conceive the longest which should mean that no one should have the right to take your names. You picked them out long before your BFF even started trying! Stealing is against the law and should not be taken lightly. A lawyer would advise you to send out a written document (perhaps in email format) to all fertile friends and family indicating your confirmed or potential name choices. Please inform them that these names are now off limits for any future children but you will consider special circumstances, if asked prior to delivery. If the couple conceives on the first try, all names must be forwarded to you for approval. You have the right to dismiss any names at any time or any reason.

This written agreement will, most likely, hold up in a court of law.

Is it wrong to pretend that a friend or relative’s baby is your own?

You are at the shopping mall and your friend asks you to look after her baby while she runs to the toilet. Dangerous…Very dangerous. You happily agree to look after the kid but in the back of your mind, you pretend that it’s your child. Quick thoughts pop into your head: Imagine if this was my baby or this is what it would be like to have a baby. You might even hope to run into an old friend. You would just wave at a distance and happily push the stroller like all fake moms do.

Another time, you happily spend the afternoon holding your friends babies. You glance at your husband and imagine that this was your child. You can pretty much guarantee that your husband is not thinking the same thing.

You are holding a relative’s baby and someone asks you the age. You answer quickly and take credit for how cute the child is. “He/she looks exactly like my husband.” You brag when your relative is out of earshot. You feel strangely proud when the stranger comments that your figure looks great after having a baby.

Even the infertile knows that stealing a baby is wrong but pretending that you have a baby is completely healthy. Moms beware.

Your husband or partner would rather watch an episode of The Bachelorette than discuss his fertility issues with his pals.

You have a great network of close friends and family you can lean on but your husband refuses to talk to anyone about his desire to have a child. It’s sad really. When you come home from a disappointing fertility procedure, you cry to your friends while your hubby turns on the television. Your hubby would never consider opening a few beers and talking about his low sperm count to a group of guys.

Imagine if he could actually be open about it during guys night out?

Your Husband: “We just got back from a fertility appointment and it turns out she can’t ovulate. I’m so disappointed because her last period was regular”

Guy Friend 1: “I have a low sperm count and I’ve tried everything.”
Guy Friend 2: “I hear you buddy. I thought my wife was pregnant this month because I had the most wonderful dream about our baby.”
Guy Friend 3: “Did you try having intercourse during her most fertile cycle?”

Strangely, the topic of fertility never comes up during guys night out. They will spend their evening drinking beers, watching sports and perhaps uttering the words ‘vaginal fluid’ or ’swollen breasts’ but in a completely different context.

When you first moved into your new home, you imagined having a baby’s room.

You know which room this is. It’s the middle room just beside your bedroom so you could check on your baby frequently. You would walk past this room several times a day, and picture a crib and a rocking chair. You would stand in the doorway and imagine yourself rocking your baby to sleep and seeing that room filled with baby clothes and toys. You even painted the room a baby friendly color (without mentioning this intent to your husband).

But this room is now your office.

Instead of plush animals and baby dresses, this room now has a desk, an old chair, a computer and a scatter of pens and papers. Your cute picture frames have been replaced by your College Diploma and pictures of your grandparents. The image of the sweet crib has been replaced by a mountain of paperwork and you now have pictures of other people’s children on your desk.

Perhaps one day this will be your baby’s room but for now, it’s the room where you spend hours looking at infertility websites and nursing back a martini.

Your doctor always says that ‘you’re still young and have plenty of time to conceive.’ But if you’re in your late twenties or early thirties, you have never felt so old.

You think to yourself: “how do I still have time? It takes almost a year when pregnant and then I want a second or third baby. By that time, I will be closer or past thirty-five and my eggs will be decreasing by the second.”

How can you NOT panic?

When the doctor tells you that you are ’still young,’ he is absolutely lying. You and your eggs are aging by the second right there in the doctor’s office. You will start to feel arthritis setting in, your bones start weakening with osteoporosis, you begin to cough with shortness of breath and you stop by the drugstore on the way home to purchase a walker. Later, you find yourself eating a “late” dinner at 4:30pm, canceling weekend plans because you need a nap and signing up for aqua aerobics. You find yourself spending weeknights knitting a scarf, watching The Price is Right and making sure your husband is wearing a sweater so he doesn’t catch a chill. You purchase reading bifocals although your eye sight is fine, and start to take ’speed’ walks around your local mall.

Face it, you’re right. You are very very old.

No one would ever accuse you of being prejudice. You are a kind-hearted individual who loves all types of people EXCEPT when it comes to those fertiles.

Shockingly, some may even consider you to be an anti-fertile. The definition of an ‘anti-fertile’ is someone who seems to glare at pregnant women, feels envious of new mommies and never want to hear others pregnancy news. Does this sound familiar? Fertiles come in all shapes and sizes, colors and backgrounds. You don’t discriminate against specific body types, hair color or cultural ethnicity – you may dislike all fertiles equally. Blond hair, green eyes, fat, slim, short, tall; it doesn’t matter, you might glare at them without even speaking to them. It won’t matter if they are a good friend, a relative or even a stranger on the street, you feel a negative energy towards them.

What you don’t realize is that these women might have been once like you. They could have had difficulties conceiving but you won’t see that. You can’t look past the belly and see that she might even be a nice and friendly person. All you see is belly and that is not right.

Being an anti-fertile is not a disease. There is help for you.

You can never win with the infertile.

You cry when someone thinks you have a baby bump, and you sob when someone thinks you look too thin. There has been times when relatives thought your excess love handles was a pregnancy, and other times when they couldn’t believe how slim you looked.

This is the first time in your life that you do not want to look skinny. You attend a party at your cousins house and they ask if you’ve lost weight. “Look at you,” They comment. “You are looking so slim.” But you don’t want to look slim! You want to look pregnant and fat and rounder. You want your face to swell, acne to blossom and your ankles to be unrecognizable. You want your legs to resemble tree stumps, your arms to flap in the wind and your collar bone to completely disappear.

How dare they say you look thin!

You might have been eating better and going to the gym more but do they really have to emphasize how flat your stomach has gotten? There is really no winning with you. You don’t want to look slim and you don’t want to look fat.

You just want to look and be pregnant.

Really doc?

Thanks for that extremely helpful piece of medical advice.

Sure. Right.

I’ll get right on that.

You check out those celebrity gossip magazines occasionally but you would never refer to yourself as celebrity obsessed.

…UNTIL a celebrity talks about their infertility struggle.

When a celeb ‘comes out of the infertile closest,’ you become a little obsessed with that woman. You find yourself reading any and every article that has to do with their infertile journey. You can name at least three celebs that have gone through IVF or have adopted when they couldn’t conceive. You know that Bachelorette star, Trista Stutter, had difficulty conceiving, Nia Vardalos adopted and Victoria Beckham is a fellow PCOS gal. You also know that Nicole Richie can get pregnant just by coughing, Jamie Lynn Spears will have baby number 2 before she hits twenty, and sweet Tori Spelling’s second was ‘unplanned and a neat-o surprise.’ If a celeb is having trouble with infertility, you probably know it before they even do.

“No officer. I only stalk infertile celebrities not regular ones.”