You know you’ve joined the infertility club when….

1) You know your husband’s sperm count (both washed and unwashed)
2) You can say the words “vagina” or “semen” without giggling
3) The nurses at the fertility clinic knows you by first and last name
4) You give directions to the ultrasound room to new infertiles
5) You can tell the doctor your temperature to the exact decimal point
6) You told the ultrasound technician your follicle size and uterine lining before she told you
7) You refer to a Monday as a ‘Day 3′
You refuse to purchase tampons or pads until it’s too late (another pair of ruined underwear!)
9) You’re thinking of dressing up like a test tube or the Octomom for Halloween
10) You refuse to go into a hot tube in fear of hard boiling any eggs

photo: here

The Christmas holidays. An infertiles worst nightmare. You really thought that this year you would be pregnant. You had imagined telling your families under the Christmas tree and surprising everyone at the dinner table. You just know that old Aunt Millie will be asking “when are you going to have a baby?” and cousin Gertie will tell you that you’re next to get pregnant!

So how do you survive the hellidays? Do it, infertile style!
1) After you baste the turkey, show everyone you’re own transvaginal baster.
2) Wear a shirt that says “I miscarried this year and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
3) Send a holiday card with the greeting “Happy Holidays” Love, your favorite infertile cousins. Include a photo of you and your partner kissing a test tube.
4) Bring a high chair to the table for your used IUI test tube.
5) Hang a photo of your IVF embryos on your Christmas tree.
6) Ask if it’s okay if your partner uses their bathroom to masturbate in a cup.
7) If anyone asks if you’re pregnant, throw mashed potatoes in their face.
Dis-invite children and pregnant women to the family dinner.
9) Decorate the Christmas tree with your used pregnancy sticks.
10) Tell the children that Santa is not coming this year because he only gives gifts to kids created from test tubes.

Happy holidays!

Birth control pills, condoms, female contraceptives… All were your friends long ago and now are your arch enemies. You want to stay clear of any form of contraceptives.

So when you’re told that an IVF cycle begins with birth control pills, you almost fall over. You are taking birth control pills in order to get pregnant? That’s pretty ironic. Why not eat an entire chocolate cake and try to lose weight? Why not go to a job interview and leave your resume at home? Why not invite people over for a dinner party and forget to buy the food? Why take prenatal vitamins and birth control pills in order to get pregnant?

Nosy relative: Are you trying to get pregnant?
You: Absolutely. I’m on prenatal vitamins and the birth control pill (pop in a pill and wait for reaction).

Birth control pill: $40.00
Other IVF drugs: $4,000
Telling nosy relatives you’re trying to get pregnant and pulling out your birth control pills: Priceless

Infertile gals are awesome!

They say that writing a letter to your unborn or future baby helps in the infertility process. But also receiving a letter from your unborn baby might help too.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

Why are you crying? Each month, you have a mental breakdown when your period shows up instead of me. You spend a lot of time crying in your bed or overeating which is not helping your figure. Stop it already! I don’t need you to waste time feeling depressed and unhappy. I plan to come when the time is right and we will be together then. Until then, I need you to be strong and confident and stop embarrassing me by breaking down in public. How totally embarrassing! I forgive you for having a twisted uterus or for my daddy’s lack of sperm (totally gross!). Stop blaming yourself already and move forward with your life. I need you to be happy and I promise you I will come when I’m ready and you will remember how to smile again.

Love,
your future embryo

P.S.- I wish you and daddy would stop having so much sex. It is really gross.

They say it helps to write a letter to your unborn (or future) baby when you are struggling with infertility….Give it a try.

Dear Baby,

As I anxiously wait to conceive you, many thoughts run through my head. Will your head be shaped like a test tube? What if they implant the wrong embryos into my uterus? What if I accidentally squirted you out into the toilet bowl? Sometimes I wonder if you will ever be real. I’ve been a bad mother already – having the occasional drink and missing a Folic Acid pill or two (or three). I’m sorry I’ve turned your nursery into my beautiful walk-in closest but I had no where to put all of those shoes. Daddy really wants you to come too so mommy can stop being an emotional wreck and ruining his marriage. After all our fertility costs, we might not be able to afford to send you to college, buy you new clothes or even feed you but mommy and daddy still love you very much. And no one (but child social services) can take that away from us.

You are worth the wait.

With love, your parents

photo: here