1) Rubbing a baby’s head against your stomach for good luck. Note: Rubbing a stranger’s baby against yourself will probably land you in jail, and you would have to stop infertility treatments so not a good idea.

2) Taking someone else’s baby. That baby looks kind of like you but you probably shouldn’t steal her. The mother already has 3 kids, she’d probably thank you for taking the baby. Let’s ask her!

3) Leaving your fertility needles in your mommy friend’s garbage can. Probably best not to leave needles in a trash can with few kids around. Save them for the birthday parties.

4) Commenting on a pregnant Facebook “friend” that you’re sick of seeing her ‘growing belly’ and ’soon-to-be mommy tummy’ photos. And remove your ultrasound profile picture too, friend!

5) Ruining someones baby shower to make you feel better. Maybe hiding the cake and all the presents in your car.

6) When a friend announces her pregnancy news, comment “Are you kidding me? I’ve been trying for 3 years and you get pregnant on the first try. That’s pretty insensitive, don’t you agree?”

7) Fake a pregnancy at work and then take the maternity leave as vacation time. Note: you might have to steal a baby to keep up the facade.

Steal some pregnancy and OPK kits from your clinic. Quick, the nurse just went into an IUI, grab some now and bring some back for all of us!!

9) Tell your MIL that you would have gotten pregnant already if her son actually had some sperm.

10) Tell your friend to remove her breast milk from your refrigerator. Would she want your husband’s semen sample in her cooler? Tit for tat.

Remember the day your 14 year old self first discovered tampons? You realized that you no longer had to wear those uncomfortable fitting pads and discovered that tampons were easy and clean and great.

Twenty years later, infertility re-introduces the sanitary napkin! Somewhere during your infertility struggles, you may have decided to switch back to pads, even for one month. It’s unclear if tampons actually affect fertility but an infertile will try anything even if it means sitting in a wet diaper for a few days. Maybe you’ve tried organic tampons but like a bad high school acquaintance, the pad will make her re-appearance into your life.

“Oh my God. It’s me, Maxi! I haven’t seen you since high school, menstrual cycle number 24! Did you do something different with your hair? It looks longer.”

You will do anything not to wear them including having to throw out a few pairs of underwear and wearing black pants to a restaurant – praying you won’t stain the seats. And just remember, thongs and tampons are best friends. Thongs and pads are enemies. To make it fit in a thong, you could try folding the pad in half or attaching the sticky part to your leg. Either way.
U N C O M F O R T A B L E. Until it’s proven otherwise, the only thing you want inside of you is a sperm producer (a.k.a your partner’s thing), a transvaginal wand or a washed sperm inserter.

You just hope your husband doesn’t notice those red spotted underwear sitting in your laundry hamper.

Stop cleaning your house! You don’t want to throw out any of that baby dust!

We’ve all heard of baby dust although you aren’t quite sure what it is and where to get it. All you know is that you want some NOW!

Is baby dust the same thing as the dust that has been sitting on your coffee table? You have been are too tired to clean your house, and that pile of dust is now accumulating. If you clean it, will that affect your chances of getting pregnant? Does it hide behind the curtains or does it just float around the home? Your fertility doctor must have some laying around…She has all the other necessary fertility supplies so a little baby dust must be around there somewhere. Maybe at your next IUI, she can just shove some up there. You could slip her a $20.00 but rumor has it, baby dust is free. What is the proper way to give someone baby dust? Does it have to be ’sprinkled’ or can it just be thrown at you? You’ve heard that people can ’send’ you baby dust but can it also be emailed, Twittered or Facebooked? Is it okay to send baby dust by coughing into an infertiles face? H1N1 guidelines may say otherwise.

You might want to try rubbing your belly with a duster and see if that helps.

photo: here

Thanksgiving sucked, but the Christmas holidays will rock!
SIGN UP NOW! E-CLASS STARTS NOVEMBER 30.

Typical Month of the Infertile
Negative pregnancy test.
Period.
Cry on toilet.
Cry in bed.
Depression.
Cry at work in bathroom.
Day 3, fertility appointment.
Wonder if you should try having sex during your period.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Fight with partner about infertility.
Friend announces she’s pregnancy. Emotional breakdown.
Ovulate?
IUI?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, (shooting blanks)
Two week wait.
Facebook friend posts a picture of her bump. Cry.
Baby shower invite. Cry about that.
Analyze for early pregnancy symptoms.
Google: “Right breast feels heavier than left breast. Am I Pregnant?”
Google: “Peeing a lot at night, IUI.”
Google: “Left nipple looks darker. Pregnancy?”
Google: “Metallic taste in mouth. Pregnant?”
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Hope for implantation bleeding.
Test early or wait for period.
Negative.
Mental breakdown.

REPEAT AGAIN THE FOLLOWING MONTH, AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER…

Constipation + Bloating = Fertility medications.

Reasons why your fertility medications are so awesome!

1. Who needs to do number 2 anyways! Sometimes it’s nice to just visit the toilet once a month. Your bathroom never smells (because of you) and you always know that you never have to use a public stall to do your business.
2. Your toilet will never get plugged (by you, that is).
3. You only need to eat a bite of bread before getting full and bloated. Think of all the grocery money you save!
4. Fearful a burglar will break into your house? Never fear! You can knock them out with one of your swollen and firm breasts! ‘Burglar knocked out by piercing nipple! Full story at 7.’
5. You have more acne than a teenager. Popping zits are fun!
6. You can play Santa this year with your swollen belly.
7. You can give yourself a needle in a public place and not get arrested.
8. You have fun gas bubbles to play with in your belly. The neighborhood kids will love it!
9. Your drugs side effects tell you that you are allowed to be moody.
10. Daily headaches are a great excuse not to clean the house!

Fertility drugs are fun!

The childless couple gets all the pity invitations. “It’s Jilly’s first birthday party on Saturday but I’ll understand if you don’t want to come.” When you do attend the birthday parties, you and your partner sit at the singles table, making awkward small chat with never-been-married Aunt Ruth and the one other potentially infertile couple. Seeing all those babies makes you further depressed and you leave the party, feeling like you’re never going to get pregnant. Happy F&^#! first birthday, Melody.

Sigh.

You find you either get the pity invitation or you don’t get invited to the party at all. The infertile couple doesn’t get invited to the Halloween party, the kids Christmas party or the mommy get together held every Thursday. You watch from the bleachers as all your mommy friends take their kids together to the circus, kiddie concerts and the zoo. You aren’t invited but you get to hear all about it afterwards and then you are forced to ‘enjoy’ all those Facebook pictures in an album called “Here are all the parties you weren’t invited to.”

It’s so thoughtful that you were invited to all the pre-baby parties including the baby shower (as a host and guest on several occasions) and the “I’m pregnant and you’re not” dinners. Maybe you can return the favor and invite the fertile to your latest IUI party, “My follicles are growing in a test tube” celebration or “I just paid $10,000 for a failed cycle, blowout.”

Kids are welcome. Please no gifts, only alcohol.

photo: here

E-CLASS STARTS NOVEMBER 30.
SIGN UP NOW!

Ovulation Predictor Kit: $50
Pregnancy Tests: $100
Infertility Therapist: $200
An online fertility class dedicated to telling Aunt Millie where to go during a family dinner: PRICELESS

“I HATE YOU, SPERM!
GO AWAY, CERVIX!
LEAVE ME ALONE, UTERUS!”

There is nice, friendly and helpful cervical mucus and then there is its moody teenage rival, hostile cervical mucus. The only bodily liquid of its kind that hates everyone and everything. It’s not just mean and angry, this cervical mucus is downright hostile, killing anything that gets in its way. You would much rather have hostile saliva, angry snot or moody urine but no, they are all quite friendly and accommodating. They always do their jobs with grace and enthusiasm. You are just one of the lucky ones who happen to have hostile vaginal discharge. In the past when you had a one night stand, you would say to Mr. What’s his name, “Be gentle. It’s a hostile environment down there,” and your fertility doctor would tell you that “your cervical mucus is quite hostile. He keeps slapping my hand back.”

No wonder you can’t get pregnant. You have World War 3 vaginal discharge. Kill that sperm. Soldier down. Soldier down.

Well-meaning family members like to tell you “it will just happen. You will get pregnant. I just know it.”

Fantastic!

Finally, after years and years of trying, someone has the inside scoop! They “just know” that you’ll get pregnant. How did they find this out? Did the Fertility Gods tell them? Did your uterus drop by and share the exciting news? Did his semen analysis secretly confess the big announcement? Did the future swing by your parents house and only told your mother? Maybe Michael J. Fox went Back to the Future and only informed your Great Auntie Annie. It’s so great that they “just know” you will get pregnant. You and your partner don’t know, your fertility doctor is not so sure and even your fur child seems pretty skeptical. But it’s nice to know that someone else is certain you will conceive.

Maybe your uterus told their uterus and then this whole rumor started. Perhaps your biological clock came over and “tocked” about it. Maybe your embryos wrote a note on their bathroom door “Did you know so-and-so is going to get pregnant?”

It’s super fantastic they “know.” But how do they know and you don’t? And if they know, why can’t they tell you when?

photo: here

Sallie to Becky, Monday – “I’m doing an IVF cycle this month.”
Becky to Sallie, Wednesday – “How was your IVF? Are you pregnant yet?”

As soon as you tell someone you’re going through infertility treatments, they seem to ask you if you’re pregnant only a few days later. You tell a friend you are doing IVF, they ask you TWO days later how it went and if you’re pregnant yet. “Hey friend! IVF takes about a month or longer. It’s not just a one day procedure!” You have to take fertility drugs first and wait several weeks before the actual IVF procedure can occur. Hey friend! Sorry to disappoint but if we tell you we’re doing IVF this month, don’t call the next day and ask how it went! It hasn’t happened yet!

Friends (or fertiles) also seem to think that pregnancy works differently for the infertile gal. You always have to explain that you still have to wait two weeks following ovulation before you find out if you’re pregnant or not. You do not find out on the spot.

“I had an IUI this morning and guess what? The future pregnancy test already told me I was pregnant, and guess what, I already had the baby. It was a boy.”

Freezer Phobia: definition
description: phobia
1. a childhood fear of being stuck in a freezer as an embryo.

Your future children may have spent the first months of their pre-existence in a freezer. You seem to be allowed to freeze your embryos but the law says something very different about putting actual babies in a freezer. Strangely, they refer to that as ‘child abuse.’ When your future children get older, you can lovingly tell them how they started life in a freezer, right next to the ice cubes and beside your fertility nurse’s frozen lunch. Isn’t it your RE’s birthday next week? Stick that ice cream cake right next to your future frozen twins! Then, one special day, you can tell your babies how they were thawed out like yesterdays meatloaf and re-inserted into your uterus, freezer burn and all.

And don’t ever think of nagging them to dress warmer. Weren’t you the mother who once stuck them in the freezer? “Sally, You need to wear a warmer coat.” “Jessica, you’re going to freeze in that short skirt.” “Billy, you’re not leaving this house without a scarf and hat, young man!”

Thaw me, mommy. Thaw me!

photo: here

Fertility specialists and (nosy relatives) claim that it “only takes one sperm” to get pregnant.

So scientifically if you have one sperm and one egg, you should have gotten pregnant long ago. Wake up, specialists! We have a sperm or two, a couple of eggs and nothing is happening! Don’t you love how people tell you that all you need “is one sperm” to get pregnant? Not true. You need millions of good, strong, motile sperms that can swim faster than those lazy, two-headed spermies. If you only needed one sperm, your fertility doctor would be pleased with your husband’s low semen analysis.

“Excellent news. Your semen analysis results showed that your husband has one sperm! All you need is one!”

Instead, Doctor Uterus tells you that a count of a couple million is a pretty low count, and you might never conceive naturally. But don’t I need just one sperm, doctor? You have one sperm and one egg. So what’s the problem, uterus? It doesn’t take just “one.” It takes millions and millions until one sperm is physically implanted into one egg, and that doesn’t always work!

Fertile woman: 1 sperm + 1 egg = pregnancy
Infertile woman: 1 sperm + 1 egg + RE+ fertility meds +failed IUIs +multiple IVFs + miscarriages = possible pregnancy

“Hey little Bobby. Is that your grandma?”
“No. That’s my mommy. She’s 80 years old.”

Years back, you planned out your life. Married in your twenties, baby before thirty and second baby a year later. At this rate, you will be close to menopause by the time you give birth to your first child. Thought you wanted to be a young mommy? Think again. By the time you get pregnant, your eggs will be close to drying up, your hair will be completely gray and you will start to use a walker and cane to move around. When your child starts school, you could be close to 70 years old, elementary school graduation 80 years, on their wedding day maybe pushing 100. You would offer to take your kid to their first birthday party but your Arthritis and Osteoporosis are acting up. If only you could still drive them to school but your eye site has failed and you are becoming too senior to drive a car.

“Why does your mommy get out of breath when we play tag, Billy?”
“Why does your mommy wear dentures?”
“Why does your mommy pass gas so loudly, Suzie?”
“Why does your mommy take more naps than you, Sammy?”
“My mommy said your mommy shouldn’t have had a baby at 65.”

Interested in having great-children? Unless you plan to live to 150, good luck with that!

photo here

You may have a dislike for pregnant bellies but you sure do love those babies!

Mom alert ahead….She’s pushing a stroller….She walks by you….(Wait for it)…. It’s time for you to look at that baby….You turn around to get a glimpse of that baby….You smile and think how cute that baby is….Then you feel sad…Where is your baby?

Two moms ahead, pushing identical strollers….Smaller strollers which means potential newborns….You’re dying to look in….They pass by you….Turn your head to look….So cute, fresh out the womb….You wish one was yours.

It’s worse when you’re with your spouse. You both will check out the baby, then look sadly at each other. Cute baby. You think to yourself. Am I ever going to get pregnant? If only you felt the same dislike for babies as you do for pregnant women. A pregnant woman walks by and she can feel the cold glare of your eyes and the bitter breeze of your stare but a baby goes by and you can’t help but smile. Tears fill your eyes with love. Maybe next time you see a stroller coming, you should tell that woman she has a beautiful baby and she was so lucky that she was able to conceive. Then ask her politely if you could just have her baby.

Why is it wrong to steal a baby again?

photo here

You’ve tried a fertility-friendly diet.

At the beginning, you gave up caffeine, stopped drinking diet sodas, and stocked up on those recommended dark, leafy greens. How did that work out for you? It seems that other women can have a completely unhealthy diet and get pregnant easily, or worse get pregnant just “by accident.” It’s not fair. Then as time went on, your “fertility-friendly” diet became the “who cares I’m not getting pregnant anyways” diet.

Hello coffee! Good morning chocolate! Ola artificial sweeteners! No complete servings of fruits and vegetables for you! Maybe one glass of wine with dinner. Watch out during negative pregnancy test days! No Folic Acid for you! You know what? You are trying to do the best you can. You adapted the fertility-friendly diet and it didn’t work. So eat healthy, take your Folic Acid, have yummy treats when you want to and enjoy your life.

Those teenage pregnancies didn’t happen because the girl ate her dark leafy greens for dinner.

Infertility specialists tell you to “just relax” and it will happen. Has anyone read the newspaper lately? The newspaper and media is anything but relaxing at the moment.

“Just relax” – Most people will get the Swine Flu this season, and vaccines are in short supply.
“Just relax” – Don’t forget about the recession! You still might lose your jobs.
“Just relax” – The holidays are coming up and your fertility clinic might close for two weeks.
“Just relax” - During Christmas dinner, Aunt Gertie will ask you why you’re not pregnant yet.
“Just relax” - Try IVF and IUI for the first time – a very relaxing procedure and then spend a ton of money on fertility. That’s very stress-free.
“Just relax” – Why don’t you take a nice hot bath to calm your nerves. Oh wait, you don’t want to hard-boil anything inside of you.

How can we be relaxed??? We need forced relaxation boot camp. A trained “relaxer” comes to our homes and work places everyday and forces us to relax. “RELAX!” They will scream at us. “JUST BE CALM AND STRESS-FREE. WHY CAN’T YOU RELAX ALREADY?”

I’m relaxed. OK! Completely calm and serene.

photo: here

Test/Tube- It’s 3 girls and 2 boys! After 89 months of trying and 6 failed IUIs, proud parents Jane & Mark are thrilled to announce the birth of quintuplets via IVF! Special thanks to our fertility doctor for over stimulating mommy’s ovaries and to our urologist for helping to improve daddy’s low sperm count. Babies Ivy, Testy, Miss.Carrie, Clomi, Little Iui- Mommy and daddy can’t afford to send you to college or buy you new clothes but we are sure happy you’re here!

photo: here

So what happens if IVF fails the first time or again and again? Many infertiles are scared of IVF because they know it’s the last step of the infertility cycle. If you fail IVF multiple times, what else can you try? Where do you go from there?

The infertile life cycle typically happens this way:

1) Try to conceive without any luck
2) Go to fertility specialist
3) Try some fertility meds
4) Fail some IUIs
5) Try IVF

But have you heard of steps 6-8 just invented by 999reasonstolaughatinfertility! No need to be fearful of IVF anymore when there is additional treatments you can try!

6) IVG (Inside Vagina Glue). This procedure allows the fertility specialist to glue the egg right into the uterus for extra sticking.
7) IVS (Inner Vaginal Stick). This procedure inserts a stick to hold the egg and sperm in place during the entire two week wait.
IPS (Inner Penile Slingshot). This procedure allows a slingshot-like substance to be inserted into your partner’s penis to project the sperm further into the uterine cavity.

Do not fear! There is life after IVF!

Move over meat loaf and leftover casserole and make room for your fertility medication!

Hungry? Should you have a piece of fruit, some cheese or a gulp of Puregon? During future dinner parties, you might not want guests going through your refrigerator because that isn’t sparkling water! That’s your fertility meds! Your doctor might even tell you to keep the drugs in a cooler place so it doesn’t freeze including your vegetable crisper or beside your eggs and butter. Hmmm… What should I have for breakfast today? Maybe some scrambled eggs with my drugs…

Your fridge becomes your instant infertility reminder. You open up that fridge in the morning and notice your meds before grabbing that container of milk. You fridge automatically screams at you: NOT PREGNANT! NOT PREGNANT! It is the only appliance in your house that can make you feel as depressed as the arrival of Auntie Flow. Shut up fridge!

Now, if you’re toaster oven or microwave starts reminding you of infertility, you might want to check with your fertility (or mental health) specialist.