1) Rubbing a baby’s head against your stomach for good luck. Note: Rubbing a stranger’s baby against yourself will probably land you in jail, and you would have to stop infertility treatments so not a good idea.

2) Taking someone else’s baby. That baby looks kind of like you but you probably shouldn’t steal her. The mother already has 3 kids, she’d probably thank you for taking the baby. Let’s ask her!

3) Leaving your fertility needles in your mommy friend’s garbage can. Probably best not to leave needles in a trash can with few kids around. Save them for the birthday parties.

4) Commenting on a pregnant Facebook “friend” that you’re sick of seeing her ‘growing belly’ and ’soon-to-be mommy tummy’ photos. And remove your ultrasound profile picture too, friend!

5) Ruining someones baby shower to make you feel better. Maybe hiding the cake and all the presents in your car.

6) When a friend announces her pregnancy news, comment “Are you kidding me? I’ve been trying for 3 years and you get pregnant on the first try. That’s pretty insensitive, don’t you agree?”

7) Fake a pregnancy at work and then take the maternity leave as vacation time. Note: you might have to steal a baby to keep up the facade.

Steal some pregnancy and OPK kits from your clinic. Quick, the nurse just went into an IUI, grab some now and bring some back for all of us!!

9) Tell your MIL that you would have gotten pregnant already if her son actually had some sperm.

10) Tell your friend to remove her breast milk from your refrigerator. Would she want your husband’s semen sample in her cooler? Tit for tat.

Remember the day your 14 year old self first discovered tampons? You realized that you no longer had to wear those uncomfortable fitting pads and discovered that tampons were easy and clean and great.

Twenty years later, infertility re-introduces the sanitary napkin! Somewhere during your infertility struggles, you may have decided to switch back to pads, even for one month. It’s unclear if tampons actually affect fertility but an infertile will try anything even if it means sitting in a wet diaper for a few days. Maybe you’ve tried organic tampons but like a bad high school acquaintance, the pad will make her re-appearance into your life.

“Oh my God. It’s me, Maxi! I haven’t seen you since high school, menstrual cycle number 24! Did you do something different with your hair? It looks longer.”

You will do anything not to wear them including having to throw out a few pairs of underwear and wearing black pants to a restaurant – praying you won’t stain the seats. And just remember, thongs and tampons are best friends. Thongs and pads are enemies. To make it fit in a thong, you could try folding the pad in half or attaching the sticky part to your leg. Either way.
U N C O M F O R T A B L E. Until it’s proven otherwise, the only thing you want inside of you is a sperm producer (a.k.a your partner’s thing), a transvaginal wand or a washed sperm inserter.

You just hope your husband doesn’t notice those red spotted underwear sitting in your laundry hamper.

Stop cleaning your house! You don’t want to throw out any of that baby dust!

We’ve all heard of baby dust although you aren’t quite sure what it is and where to get it. All you know is that you want some NOW!

Is baby dust the same thing as the dust that has been sitting on your coffee table? You have been are too tired to clean your house, and that pile of dust is now accumulating. If you clean it, will that affect your chances of getting pregnant? Does it hide behind the curtains or does it just float around the home? Your fertility doctor must have some laying around…She has all the other necessary fertility supplies so a little baby dust must be around there somewhere. Maybe at your next IUI, she can just shove some up there. You could slip her a $20.00 but rumor has it, baby dust is free. What is the proper way to give someone baby dust? Does it have to be ’sprinkled’ or can it just be thrown at you? You’ve heard that people can ’send’ you baby dust but can it also be emailed, Twittered or Facebooked? Is it okay to send baby dust by coughing into an infertiles face? H1N1 guidelines may say otherwise.

You might want to try rubbing your belly with a duster and see if that helps.

photo: here

Typical Month of the Infertile
Negative pregnancy test.
Period.
Cry on toilet.
Cry in bed.
Depression.
Cry at work in bathroom.
Day 3, fertility appointment.
Wonder if you should try having sex during your period.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Fight with partner about infertility.
Friend announces she’s pregnancy. Emotional breakdown.
Ovulate?
IUI?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, (shooting blanks)
Two week wait.
Facebook friend posts a picture of her bump. Cry.
Baby shower invite. Cry about that.
Analyze for early pregnancy symptoms.
Google: “Right breast feels heavier than left breast. Am I Pregnant?”
Google: “Peeing a lot at night, IUI.”
Google: “Left nipple looks darker. Pregnancy?”
Google: “Metallic taste in mouth. Pregnant?”
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Hope for implantation bleeding.
Test early or wait for period.
Negative.
Mental breakdown.

REPEAT AGAIN THE FOLLOWING MONTH, AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER…

Constipation + Bloating = Fertility medications.

Reasons why your fertility medications are so awesome!

1. Who needs to do number 2 anyways! Sometimes it’s nice to just visit the toilet once a month. Your bathroom never smells (because of you) and you always know that you never have to use a public stall to do your business.
2. Your toilet will never get plugged (by you, that is).
3. You only need to eat a bite of bread before getting full and bloated. Think of all the grocery money you save!
4. Fearful a burglar will break into your house? Never fear! You can knock them out with one of your swollen and firm breasts! ‘Burglar knocked out by piercing nipple! Full story at 7.’
5. You have more acne than a teenager. Popping zits are fun!
6. You can play Santa this year with your swollen belly.
7. You can give yourself a needle in a public place and not get arrested.
8. You have fun gas bubbles to play with in your belly. The neighborhood kids will love it!
9. Your drugs side effects tell you that you are allowed to be moody.
10. Daily headaches are a great excuse not to clean the house!

Fertility drugs are fun!