Dec 30
Congratulations to the Infertile “Winners” of 2009.
- Congratulations to the Duggar Family from the reality TV show, 18 Kids & Counting
on the birth of their 19th child! Proud parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcome another baby into their large fertile family. Congratulations big daddy on your exceptional sperm count and a uterus that seems to get pregnant on the first try every single time. Are they going to keep re-naming the television show after she reaches 30 and Counting? Mazel Tov from the entire infertile community.
- Remember Thomas Beatie? He is believed to be the world’s first ‘pregnant man.’ He gave birth to TWO children while some of us with working vaginal parts can’t even get pregnant with one.
- Octomom and single mother, Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets through In Vitro Fertilisation, and now has her own reality show. Hey Nadya, how did you afford the treatment and where can we find your discounted fertility clinic? We’d be happy to take a baby or two off your hands!
- Congratulations to Brad and Angelina on 8 children within 5 years! You make adopting and getting pregnant look so simple!
Dec 28
Is it your period or is it implantation bleeding? It’s a special moment in your marriage when your husband suddenly becomes the ‘Sanitary Napkin Expert.’
“Let me see,” he will say as you sit on the toilet analyzing your red colored urine and spotting pad. Initially, you will refuse but since you have no shame left, you will let him see. He will stand over the toilet bowl observing the color of your urine and review your diaper-like sanitary pad. He suddenly becomes the expert in blood clots and your menstrual cycle. “The right side of the pad looks slightly browner than the left with a consistent circular pattern,” he observes. “And your urine definitely looks more pink than yellow. This coming from the man who once thought your Maxi Pad was a mini pillow for a small dog. Now, he examines and analyzes almost as much as you do.
If you don’t think this will happen to you and your partner, just wait. He will become the Sanitary Napkin Expert one day.
Dec 24
It’s another New Years Eve, and you hoped and prayed that this year you would have a baby or at least be pregnant. Instead, you plan to ring in the New Year with a bag of potato chips and a bottle of vodka, for one. But who would want to have a boring 2009 pregnancy anyways? Yawn. Snore. 2009 brought the world the recession, the H1N1 pandemic and the death of Michael Jackson. Who could be pregnant during such negativity anyways? 2010 is filled with renewed hope and strength that you are stronger and can get through anything. 2010 brings better looking babies, smarter children and toddlers that will change the world. 2010 is YOUR year!
Your 2010 New Years Resolutions:
- To cry and obsess about infertility more often. You should take the time to cry in different public places.
- To buy toilet paper in bulk so you can inspect the TP more frequently without worrying about running out.
- Be environmentally conscious. Re-use pregnancy tests for other uses including donating them to the arts & craft departments at your local schools or giving them to less fortune knocked up teenagers.
Crying about infertility is so 2009. Happy New Year!
Dec 24
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The Scenario:
You are dreading signs of your period, and you go to the toilet in a dimly lit restaurant. You pee, you wipe and then you look. But wait! The restroom is dimly lit and it is too dark to see the toilet paper. YIKES! You squint your eyes and try to stare at that TP from every angle. Is that a red smudge or is it just too dark to see properly? You try to hold the paper up to cracks of light in the door but no luck. Maybe if you stand on the toilet you can see better or perhaps you should take the toilet paper out of the stall to the sink area. “Just inspecting the toilet paper,” You will tell the other ladies. If any of them are infertile, they will understand. Maybe also try carrying a flashlight or a box of matches. Lighting a match in a restroom stall seems like a great idea.
photo: here
Dec 23
The day before your expected period is a beautiful day filled with hope.
Although you’re quite sure there’s no way you’re pregnant, you actually have a tiny bit of hope left. This is the day where a pregnancy announcement can occur and you actually feel some happiness for them, instead of wanting to slit your wrists. After all, you might be pregnant too. You feel like your period will come any second and you are experiencing all the classic fake pregnancy symptoms. Your left breast seems heavier than usual, your right nipple seems darker, and that headache that you always get before your period hasn’t arrived yet. You may just “know” you’re not pregnant but you secretly have that bit of hope that you are. You may run to the toilet every few minutes to check for redness OR you may avoid the toilet altogether so you won’t see the inevitable. You can always believe that the wetness in your underwear is from leftover urine from a previous restroom trip. Yeah right.
The day of hope feels great and awful all in one. You just want to know but yet you don’t. You want to hold onto hope a few minutes longer.
Dec 22
You see (or glare) at a pregnant woman but did she get pregnant the natural way or is she an IVF mommy? Here are some ways to tell if she is ‘one of us.’
- Her pregnant belly is shaped like a test tube.
- At a restaurant, instead of a BLT sandwich, she orders a BBT.
- At the dentist, she will automatically put her feet in stirrups.
- She doesn’t announce her pregnancy until she’s 7 months pregnant.
- She wears a t-shirt that says “Stop glaring at my belly. I’m one of you.”
- She has sex with her husband minutes after giving birth so she can start trying for baby number 2.
- She refers to her future children as her ‘freezer babies.’
- She calls her 10th week of pregnant as ‘day 70.’
- She can tell you the exact date, time and location she conceived her child.
- She has NO money left.
Dec 19
Parties with your friends sure have changed.
Once upon a time, the night ended with Mikey drinking too much and puking in your garden, and now the party starts at 2:00pm and ends by 4:00pm to coincide with baby nap time.
And then all the first birthday parties begin.
You and your husband arrive to a bunch of toddlers running around. Alcohol is minimal, if any, and there are heart shaped cookies for snack. You would have had a piece of birthday cake but you were turned off by the sight of your friends bottled breast milk sitting beside it.You can no longer have a conversation with your girlfriends without talking about breast pumps, strollers or dirty diapers. And they don’t talk to you about it. They are talking to your other mommy friends and you just stand in the corner, pretending to listen. Your daddy friend, Billy, who once ran naked through your street on a dare, now says words like “milky milk,” or asks “what sound does a doggie make?” or “who has a dirty bum bum?” You friends all chase after their kids or are busy reading a story about a cat and a furry bunny. Out loud. You all sing happy birthday to the birthday girl with a baby squeaky voice, and then politely clap and giggle as she throws cake in her face.
If you want to change the subject, try talking about your latest IVF cycle or how embryos were removed from your uterus last week. Perhaps, your mommy friends would be interested in your latest cervical mucus discovery or that your temperature was slightly higher this morning, making you feel somewhat happier. And please don’t make us hold your baby because we really want to but we’re tempted to steal it.
Happy 1st birthday.
photo: here
Dec 17
SCREW THAT!
Many well-meaning relatives and friends will tell us that we will get pregnant when it’s meant to be or it will just happen when the time is right. Well the time is right, and it’s right now!
Guess what, Aunt Gertie, what’s meant to be is creating my child in a test tube!
You’re not waiting anymore, you’re taking matters into your own hands. You have tried for over a year naturally, and nothing happened. Now, it’s time to let the fertility doctor tell you when it’s meant to be. What’s meant to be is a beautiful IVF baby created in a petri dish, and then freezing their embryo brothers and sisters. What’s meant to be is having your partner’s semen washed and then artificially inseminated into you on multiple occasions. Sometimes what’s meant to be is using someone else’s eggs and sperm to get you knocked up. The “baby you’re meant to have” will come but sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. You would go inside your own uterus and pull that embryo out yourself, if you could and that’s what’s meant to be.
What you are doing and however you’re doing it, is what’s meant to be.
Dec 14
The fertile answering machine goes something like this: “Mary, Jack, Cindy, Carey and June can’t come to the phone right now. We are too busy having fun as a family. Call us back!”
How incredibly sweet but totally boring. Infertile answering machine greetings are much more fun for both personal and professional messages!
- If you are calling to tell me that you’re pregnant or having a baby shower, this line will automatically disconnect. For all other calls, kindly leave a message after the beep.
- We can’t come to the phone right now because my embryos are currently being removed from my uterus and then transferred to a test tube. Leave a message!
- Susie, Jack and our little test tube can’t come to the phone right now. We’ll call you back after hatching!
- Sorry we missed your call but it’s ovulation time! We’ll call you back in 36 hours!
- I can’t pick up the phone right now because I am too depressed about a negative pregnancy test. I’ll call you back next month if my period is late.
- Sorry I missed your call but I’m in my two week wait and I really don’t care about talking to you.
- You’ve reached Martha on December 12. I am out of the office this morning due to a transvaginal appointment but will return your call as soon as possible.
- I’ve stepped away from my desk to look for cervical mucus but will respond to your message immediately following my return.
- I will be out of the office, Mon, Tues and Wed morning before 10am and maybe Thursday or maybe Friday from 9-11am but can’t confirm this until later in the week. Please leave a detailed message.
Dec 14
You take the telephone to the toilet.
Your entire day revolves around that important phone call from your fertility nurse. When is she going to call? Why hasn’t she phoned yet? Maybe you should call the office. You wait for that call, sometimes all day, to hear the news – your blood work looks great, your embryos are multiplying, the doctor can fit you in tomorrow, your pregnancy test results are in. During the day, you will double check to make sure the phone doesn’t have a busy signal, you ensure your answering machine is working and you’ll you hang up on anyone who isn’t your RE. “I’ll call you back, mom. I’m sure you can tell me all about your emergency after 3pm. Just drive yourself to the hospital.”
Waiting all day for that phone call requires drastic measures to be taken. That phone MUST accompany you at all times. If you’re sitting on the toilet, enjoying a magazine, chances are the phone is right next to you. Should the phone ring, the nurse might hear a slight strain in your voice, delightful gassy background noises and the sound of a flush. For those checking for your period or drinking an excessive amount of water to prevent Ovarian Hyperstimulation, you visit that toilet at least once an hour. Phone sits on lap, butt sits on toilet.
If your husband asks you why the phone is wet, just say you accidentally urinated on it and not to use numbers 1-6. A good husband would understand.
photo: here
Dec 11
It’s the holiday season and the greeting cards keep coming in.
Wow. It’s cousin Jilly and her 3 kids! Look at cousin Mary’s card with the kids dressed all in red. How freakin’ cute! It’s your friend’s greeting card and oh look, she included the cutest picture of her ultrasound. How fu*%king adorable.
It’s time the infertile fought back! It’s time YOU sent the holiday card, infertile style. How about a picture of you, your hubby and a pink elephant in a room…”Seasons Greeting from the infertile couple.” An image of you both and your 4 fertilized embryos…”Merry Christmas from the Brady Bunch.” A picture of you jabbing yourself with a fertility needle… “Hope you have a painless holiday! From Jenny and Max.” A picture of you in stirrups….”Hope Santa brings you new socks for Christmas! From Ally, Jim and the follicles.” A picture of you both at your IVF cycle… “Hope you RETRIEVE everything you want this Christmas. Love Jill and Mill”
‘Tis the f&%#king season.
Dec 11
Hey Fertile!
Need advice on how to tell your infertile friend, you are expecting? Here are some helpful and sensitive tips.
- Wear a shirt that says “I’m pregnant but it’s not my husband’s.”
- Don’t tell us at all. Avoid us for 9 months and then suddenly appear with a baby, claiming that you stole it.
- Come to our fertility appointment and when our legs are in stirrups, share your good news.
- Tell us your news in a language we don’t speak.
- Make your announcement after handing us a large sum of money.
- Tell us your news when we are sleeping or unconscious.
- Find a card that says “Only slutty girls get knocked up on their first try.”
- Tell us that your baby will probably inherit your husbands nose and receding hair line.
- Tell us that you’re pregnant but we get to keep the baby.
- Slap us across the face so we we are already in pain when you tell us the news.
Dec 09
A typical day…..Eat breakfast, go to work, google random infertility phrases….
“Fertility drugs, side effects”
“Sore breasts. Am I pregnant?”
“Dark nipples. Early pregnancy symptom?”
“Will IVF hurt?”
“Does IUI work on first try?”
“Will I ever get pregnant?”
Why do you do this to yourself? Googling negative phrases about infertility does not lead to happy, positive answers! You will often get horror stories that will make you more frightened then before. Do you expect to find delightful, fun answers after googling “embryo retrieval, will it hurt?” or googling “depressed, infertility?” Do you expect to find an answer like ‘The embryo retrieval felt fantastic! I would do it over and over again!…..www.embryorretrievalsrock.com.’ Do you expect googling “tender boobies, am I pregnant?” will give you the right answer like ‘tender breasts are a definite sign of pregnancy. You are 100 percent pregnant…… www.youaredefinitelypregnant.com.’
You spend a lot of time googling fertility symptoms and but do you really believe that anything good will come out of searching for “fertility drug, side effects?” Dr. Google will not tell you that there are zero side effects and you will be just fine. Instead, he will list all the possible scary side effects and it will increase your worrying.
Give yourself a break. The answers are not in the cyber world. The answers come from you and the knowledge that you are stronger and more confident because of infertility.
Dec 08
Did you know that your mother, your great aunt Connie and grandma Millie all became Infertility Specialists? When you weren’t looking, they each got their Masters Diploma at the School of Bad Advice as an Infertility Expert and are now qualified to give you advice on a daily basis.
Grandma Millie graduated top of her class and is now qualified to provide you excellent infertility advice such as “just relax and it will happen” or “drink this tea and you will get pregnant.” Mom also became an expert and has the right to question your decisions and fertility protocols. Her expert opinion including “My friend’s daughter got pregnant after surgery for her blocked tube. You should try that” is great advice but probably not for someone dealing with male factor infertility. Thanks mom. I’ll tell my doctor to book the surgery. And you’re positive, 80 year old great aunt Connie’s advice that “you only need one sperm” will be taken into consideration during your next fertility procedure. Maybe your RE can invite her into the procedure room for your next IVF/IUI treatment so she can handpick “just one” out. It’s great that your fertility expert cousin Martha thinks you should try Clomid because you specifically remember your RE telling you it won’t work for you. Maybe Martha can write you an imaginary prescription in her fake doctors notepad.
Congratulations to the infertility class of 2008! You are now qualified to give bad advice about infertility and also marriage, future children and careers.
photo: here
Dec 07
NEWS FLASH!
Retailers are wondering why their sales have increased so dramatically this fiscal year in the following categories:
1) Pineapple
2) Raspberry Leaf Tea 
3) Dark green leafy vegetables
4) Whole grain products
During a two week period each month, retailers have wondered why sales have increased in these categories. “I can’t keep pineapple on my shelf,” says Farmer Joe of Joe’s Fertile Mart. “The women come in and take all my fresh pineapple and even pineapple flavored gum.” Billy Bob of Folic Bakery agrees. “For two weeks every month, I can’t keep stock of my Folic Acid flavored bagels.” News flash, store owners! The infertile is your best customer. Stock your shelves with loads of fresh pineapple because it’s rumored to help with our uteral lining. We’ll buy extra of that Raspberry leaf tea and anything whole grain is our best friend. Please also keep in mind that we will also go through the “who cares I am not pregnant anyways” diet and purchase a lot of chocolate, diet sodas and sugar-related products.
That teenage girl who accidentally got knocked up surely didn’t get pregnant after drinking her pineapple martini.
Dec 04
Three words for you… WASH YOUR HANDS.
You’ve reached a new low…literally. You’ve done a lot of strange things to try to become pregnant but inserting a pill into your vaginal cavity might be a new all time low. Perhaps you’re familiar with this furry location? You might have explored it once or twice while you were looking for your cervix to find out if you were ovulating. Giving yourself an injection in your stomach in a public place is one thing but inserting a vaginal suppository is a different territory. Leg on toilet, push buttocks to an upright position, extend pelvic muscles, grasp suppository with fingers and insert, don’t touch door handle. “Sorry, I took so long in the toilet, gentlemen, but those vaginal suppositories can be quick tricky! Did I miss hearing the lunch specials?”
And don’t even think about coughing, laughing, talking or sitting down too fast. Those suppository can pop right out and leave a little embarrassment on the floor. “Those waiters must have dropped some liquid on the floor. Let’s switch tables immediately!” Vaginal suppository meet your new best friend: Ms. Pantie liner.
Good advice: It’s probably best not to shake hands with any woman in childbearing years.
Dec 01
“I know you want a grandchild, Mrs. MILF. I’ve been having daily sex with your son for the past two years and nothing has worked. Hopefully, I’ll get pregnant when your precious little boy improves the low motility of his sperm count.”
Your MIL wants to be a grandmother. You know because she has told you 50 times, mentioned it to her friends and sadly looks at your belly each time she sees you. If she knows about your infertility struggles, she will give you advice on how to eat to conceive, rip out newspaper fertility articles and then tell you everything you’re doing wrong. Maybe she forces you to drink some fertility concoction made from a pinch of Folic Acid, a splash of cervical mucus, and a twist of pineapple. Drink up. Everyone knows her drink will get you pregnant. Then there’s the awkward silent “why aren’t I a grandmother?” pause at the dinner table. You know she wants to ask but then she doesn’t and just stares at your belly. Instead, you feel her disapproving glare as she tells you that so-and-so just had a new granddaughter. It’s her third grandchild and she doesn’t even have one! That’s so nice MIL. Your potential grandchildren are floating in a petri dish right now or are somewhere frozen in a freezer. Why don’t you brag about that to your friends! You could have 17-25 grandchildren in a petri dish while your friend only has 3.
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