Dec 22
You see (or glare) at a pregnant woman but did she get pregnant the natural way or is she an IVF mommy? Here are some ways to tell if she is ‘one of us.’
- Her pregnant belly is shaped like a test tube.
- At a restaurant, instead of a BLT sandwich, she orders a BBT.
- At the dentist, she will automatically put her feet in stirrups.
- She doesn’t announce her pregnancy until she’s 7 months pregnant.
- She wears a t-shirt that says “Stop glaring at my belly. I’m one of you.”
- She has sex with her husband minutes after giving birth so she can start trying for baby number 2.
- She refers to her future children as her ‘freezer babies.’
- She calls her 10th week of pregnant as ‘day 70.’
- She can tell you the exact date, time and location she conceived her child.
- She has NO money left.
Dec 19
Parties with your friends sure have changed.
Once upon a time, the night ended with Mikey drinking too much and puking in your garden, and now the party starts at 2:00pm and ends by 4:00pm to coincide with baby nap time.
And then all the first birthday parties begin.
You and your husband arrive to a bunch of toddlers running around. Alcohol is minimal, if any, and there are heart shaped cookies for snack. You would have had a piece of birthday cake but you were turned off by the sight of your friends bottled breast milk sitting beside it.You can no longer have a conversation with your girlfriends without talking about breast pumps, strollers or dirty diapers. And they don’t talk to you about it. They are talking to your other mommy friends and you just stand in the corner, pretending to listen. Your daddy friend, Billy, who once ran naked through your street on a dare, now says words like “milky milk,” or asks “what sound does a doggie make?” or “who has a dirty bum bum?” You friends all chase after their kids or are busy reading a story about a cat and a furry bunny. Out loud. You all sing happy birthday to the birthday girl with a baby squeaky voice, and then politely clap and giggle as she throws cake in her face.
If you want to change the subject, try talking about your latest IVF cycle or how embryos were removed from your uterus last week. Perhaps, your mommy friends would be interested in your latest cervical mucus discovery or that your temperature was slightly higher this morning, making you feel somewhat happier. And please don’t make us hold your baby because we really want to but we’re tempted to steal it.
Happy 1st birthday.
photo: here
Dec 17
SCREW THAT!
Many well-meaning relatives and friends will tell us that we will get pregnant when it’s meant to be or it will just happen when the time is right. Well the time is right, and it’s right now!
Guess what, Aunt Gertie, what’s meant to be is creating my child in a test tube!
You’re not waiting anymore, you’re taking matters into your own hands. You have tried for over a year naturally, and nothing happened. Now, it’s time to let the fertility doctor tell you when it’s meant to be. What’s meant to be is a beautiful IVF baby created in a petri dish, and then freezing their embryo brothers and sisters. What’s meant to be is having your partner’s semen washed and then artificially inseminated into you on multiple occasions. Sometimes what’s meant to be is using someone else’s eggs and sperm to get you knocked up. The “baby you’re meant to have” will come but sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. You would go inside your own uterus and pull that embryo out yourself, if you could and that’s what’s meant to be.
What you are doing and however you’re doing it, is what’s meant to be.
Dec 14
The fertile answering machine goes something like this: “Mary, Jack, Cindy, Carey and June can’t come to the phone right now. We are too busy having fun as a family. Call us back!”
How incredibly sweet but totally boring. Infertile answering machine greetings are much more fun for both personal and professional messages!
- If you are calling to tell me that you’re pregnant or having a baby shower, this line will automatically disconnect. For all other calls, kindly leave a message after the beep.
- We can’t come to the phone right now because my embryos are currently being removed from my uterus and then transferred to a test tube. Leave a message!
- Susie, Jack and our little test tube can’t come to the phone right now. We’ll call you back after hatching!
- Sorry we missed your call but it’s ovulation time! We’ll call you back in 36 hours!
- I can’t pick up the phone right now because I am too depressed about a negative pregnancy test. I’ll call you back next month if my period is late.
- Sorry I missed your call but I’m in my two week wait and I really don’t care about talking to you.
- You’ve reached Martha on December 12. I am out of the office this morning due to a transvaginal appointment but will return your call as soon as possible.
- I’ve stepped away from my desk to look for cervical mucus but will respond to your message immediately following my return.
- I will be out of the office, Mon, Tues and Wed morning before 10am and maybe Thursday or maybe Friday from 9-11am but can’t confirm this until later in the week. Please leave a detailed message.
Dec 14
You take the telephone to the toilet.
Your entire day revolves around that important phone call from your fertility nurse. When is she going to call? Why hasn’t she phoned yet? Maybe you should call the office. You wait for that call, sometimes all day, to hear the news – your blood work looks great, your embryos are multiplying, the doctor can fit you in tomorrow, your pregnancy test results are in. During the day, you will double check to make sure the phone doesn’t have a busy signal, you ensure your answering machine is working and you’ll you hang up on anyone who isn’t your RE. “I’ll call you back, mom. I’m sure you can tell me all about your emergency after 3pm. Just drive yourself to the hospital.”
Waiting all day for that phone call requires drastic measures to be taken. That phone MUST accompany you at all times. If you’re sitting on the toilet, enjoying a magazine, chances are the phone is right next to you. Should the phone ring, the nurse might hear a slight strain in your voice, delightful gassy background noises and the sound of a flush. For those checking for your period or drinking an excessive amount of water to prevent Ovarian Hyperstimulation, you visit that toilet at least once an hour. Phone sits on lap, butt sits on toilet.
If your husband asks you why the phone is wet, just say you accidentally urinated on it and not to use numbers 1-6. A good husband would understand.
photo: here
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