Jan 31
How much baby making sex can you really have?
If you’ve actually counted, maybe 14,786 times. For the last few months/years, you’ve had more baby making sex than a horny teenage boy. And it’s not for pleasure. It’s timed, purposeful and sometimes over quite quickly. “I don’t care if you’re not in the mood, honey. It’s 6:00am and we are doing it right now!” Sometimes (or most times), you hardly feel like doing it but it’s ovulation day and you really have no choice. You do it whether you’ve just had a fight, whether you feel sick or whether you are at home or in a public place. Doctors orders. You must do it.
“Aunt Millie, save us a place at the dinner table. We’ll be downstairs in 20-60 seconds.”
Number of times you’ve had sex in a given year = 14,786
Number of orgasms = 0-3
Jan 21
It’s another birthday and it’s time to blow out those candles. But golly gee wiz, what will you wish for? Duh!
It is wildly believed that before you blow your birthday candles out, you need to make a wish and if you don’t tell anyone, it will come true. Maybe that’s why you aren’t pregnant yet because every single person in that room knows what you wished for. Even your two year old nephew knows that you wished for a baby. Close your eye. Deep breath “By my next birthday, I wish to be pregnant or have a baby.” Blow out those candles (all 45 of them!). The room is awkward as everyone claps politely, even your uterus applauds. How wonderful! She blew out all those candles but we all know what she wished for. “I bet she wished for a baby,” Great Aunt Gertie whispers the obvious.
Oh great. Now, EVERYONE knows what you wished for, so how will it come true? Well maybe you’re wrong everyone! Maybe you actually wished for plentiful cervical mucus and for your husband to magically produce good quality semen! Not to worry, according to your fertility doctor you’re still very young.
Now, who wants a slice of cake?
photo: here
Jan 21
The infertility advice.
It comes from anyone and everyone from your Great Aunt Mildred (“In my day, I would drink a special tea to get pregnant”) to your eyebrow waxing lady (“I got pregnant by getting really drunk“). Did we ask for your advice? It seems that everyone believes they are qualified to hand out infertility advice but somehow it’s not reciprocal. Your mommy friend can give you advice on your IVF treatment but you can’t give her parenting tips?
MOMMY FRIEND: Little Tommy just won’t sleep through the night. We’re currently trying the Cryhiseyesout method but nothing seems to be working.
YOU: Have you tried a routine and putting him to bed every night at the same time? (Her look says, why is this childless woman giving me parenting advice?)
YOU: We’re going for our fourteenth IVF cycle next month.
MF: I heard putting pillows under your behind after sex will help.
(Your look says, that was so five years ago, lady).
Great news! Everyone is allowed to give you infertility advice and you are not allowed to give out any advice whatsoever. Great. That seems completely fair.
photo: here
Jan 21
During the two week wait, you tell yourself “Self, if I’m pregnant, tell me in my dreams.” You fall asleep and let your dreams tell you the answer.
If you were a fertile, you would probably have a fabulous dream about a positive pregnancy test, a glowing belly and holding your precious newborn in your arms. In your dream, you and your partner would be dancing around, perhaps, literally, on a cloud, and grinning about your news. But you are an infertile and pregnancy dreams are rare, if ever. Instead, you dream about your menstrual cycle, a negative pregnancy test and losing your baby. You often know your period is coming a week before simply because of your dream. Perhaps you dreamed that your period arrived and actor Tom Cruise handed you a tampon and says “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!” Or something along those lines… Sometimes you dream that you take a pregnancy test but can’t tell if it’s two lines or one. Those kind of dreams make you happy. Maybe your dream is trying to tell you you’re pregnant or maybe it’s telling you it’s time to get your eye sight checked. You dream about other people having babies and holding other people’s babies, but why is it never you own?
But if you dream that you are charting your temperature and then Screech 
from the original TV show Saved by the Bell 
comes into the bathroom and tells you it’s low and then hands you a chocolate covered pretzel to be eaten at the stroke of midnight, you know that means your pregnant. Right?
Huh?
Jan 20
It’s strange. You would never describe yourself as a jealous person. A woman could flirt with your husband and you’re mildly flattered. Your friend gets a great promotion and you’re genuinely happy for her.
But when someone gets pregnant, whether a friend or a complete stranger, you’re jealous, evil side emerges.
It doesn’t even matter who it is. You’re completely envious of all your pregnant friends but you are also jealous of complete strangers on the street, Facebook friends from your past, your parents friend’s children, and anyone else who happens to walk by you that could look pregnant. Good lord, they don’t even have to be pregnant to get your jealousy started – you are jealous even if they seem to have an unconfirmed belly budge or if their television character is pregnant. You would even be jealous of a woman who got pregnant knowing that she suffered through years of infertility treatments. You would be jealous if you’re dog was having puppies, Mertie, the bird, got pregnant or even if a cartoon character was expecting. Damm you Marge Simpson! You never had infertility problems with Bart, Lisa or Maggie! You were jealous of the pregnant “man” and wished you could be the Octomom too.
Wow. Bubbles, your goldfish, is having babies. Yup… Still jealous.
Jan 18
You’ve had a lot of special moments during your infertility journey.
The “this time next year I will be pregnant” moment.
The “I can’t believe IVF didn’t work” moment.
The “all my friends are pregnant but me” moment.
To name just a few…
But the “I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW” moment is extra fun. You did the fertility treatment and you were so sure that this one was going to work. During the two week wait, you had dangerous fantasies like how you would tell your parents or imagining your baby’s due date. Then, the negative pregnancy test happens and your fantasies disappear faster than your cervical mucus. You are now left with the “I should be pregnant right now” moment which includes special moments like:
- Seeing a pregnant woman and thinking “that should be me!”
- Thinking that your sixth week ultrasound would be next week.
- Knowing that you have to pay for ANOTHER round of treatment.
- Thinking that you’ll still have to be a bridesmaid and wear that ugly dress in (fill in the blanks) wedding after all.
- Stopping doing your “I could be pregnant” fake pregnancy waddle.
Now it’s your “I need a strong drink” moment. Someone grab a drink or two or eight. It’s infertility ‘happy’ hour.
photo: here
Jan 18
No doubt, during your infertility journey you’ve had the “Oh my God, will I ever get pregnant?” breakdown. This breakdown can occur at any time and at moment, leaving your partner to believe that you’ve actually gone insane. You cry. You feel angry. You don’t want to talk to anyone who is pregnant or had children. You want to stay in bed all day. You google every pregnancy symptoms. You stick a thermometer in your mouth several times a day. You examine that toilet paper every hour. You stop drinking coffee but then you start drinking it again. It’s official. Infertility has driven you to insanity.
If Children’s Social Services arrived at your house tomorrow, they would totally think this crazy woman wasn’t fit to be a parent.
Children’s Social Services: Would you consider yourself a friendly person?
You: Of course but I do glare at pregnant women or women who look like they could be preggers.
CSS: Are you a patient person?
You: Yes but I tend to get a tad anxious if the fertility clinic doesn’t call me back right away.
CSS: Would you ever cheat on your spouse?
You: Of course not but I have wondered if having multiple sex partners would get me pregnant.
CSS: Are you financially stable to take care of a baby?
You: We were but then we spent thousands on fertility treatments. To save money on groceries, I can breastfeed until they are eight.
CSS: Do you ever think about stealing a baby?
You: Yes. But I wouldn’t do it….I think
I promise, Social Services Lady, I’m completely stable to raise a child. Now here, try some of my delicious Folic Acid, Pineapple, Rasberry Leaf Tea 
Brownies.
photo: here
Jan 17
Doctors recommend that you should be at your ideal weight when trying to conceive.
Oh, so that’s all we have to do? Just lose (or even gain) those extra 10 pounds? Super! That seems so incredibly easy. Perhaps, you were at your ideal weight 3+ years ago and then entered the wonderful world of infertility. You gained extra weight thanks to fertility drugs and then added some additional pounds due to a couple miscarriages. You would have hit the gym but your RE told you to refrain from exercise for a two week period. Then when you tried to exercise, your underwear overflowed with vaginal suppository discharge and you almost tripped on the puddle beneath you. And when you got your period and saw that negative pregnancy test, yet again, did you feel like eating healthy? NO WAY! You had cookies and a bowl of sugar for lunch followed by a bag of potato chips dipped in chocolate liqueur or dinner. But in a way, you have exercised! You’ve had sex almost 5,000 times in the past few years and then did acrobats following including putting pillows under your butt and doing a full handstand.
A few years ago, you might have been at your ideal weight for conceiving but your bank account was also filled with money.
photo: here
Jan 13
The “You Know You’re Infertile When” series continues….
- You find out your mother’s friend’s dry cleaner’s daughter’s Facebook friend’s second cousin’s once removed is pregnant through IVF, and you are still jealous.
- You wear loose fitting shirts and pretend to waddle so people think that you’re pregnant.
- You inspect the toilet paper and your vaginal discharge at least 10 times a day.
- You anticipate hearing pregnancy announcements every time you see your friends.
- You’ve tried to increase your basal temperature by urinating while you take your temp.
- You feel your breasts, subtly, in public for signs of tenderness.
- You stop drinking coffee but then you cheat often.
- Excessive burping and farting during the two week wait excites you.
- You won’t use the telephone for the entire day knowing the fertility clinic will be calling.
- You always look at a stranger’s belly to see if she’s pregnant, and if she is, you glare at her.
Jan 11
If you are a true infertility, you know what the acronym TTC means because you chart your BBT almost everyday. But a serious infertile also knows the full infertility acronyms, SCREW YOU, style.
RE – Retriever of eggs.
BBT – Barren but terrific.
TTC – Trying to come.
WTFAINPY – Why the fuck am I not pregnant yet?
ITOPWIP – I’m the only person who isn’t pregnant.
YHTBITYALSDYT – You had two babies in two years? A little slutty, don’t you think?
MFAAPAAMEAITF – My friends are all pregnant and all my embryos are in the freezer.
ICEGPWTPTSRITE – I can’t even get pregnant when they put the sperm right into the egg.
WIOB – Where is our baby?
IDWTHYPN – I don’t want to hear your pregnancy news.
CMIMFTOM – Cervical mucus is my favorite type of mucus.
WRAIDH – We relaxed and it didn’t happen.
PTATD - Pregnancy tests are the devil.
IGHOFA – I get high on (folic) acid.
ILAMVDMTILAMH – I look at my vaginal discharge more than I look at my husband.
IWSMFCIIHT – I will stalk my fertility clinic if I have to.
IWTSBBIKTTIMH – I want to steal babies but I keep that thought in my head.
WSHH…… We still have hope.
Jan 10
The chemical pregnancy heartache. Another special moment in infertility.
A chemical pregnancy, meaning a very early miscarriage, where a positive pregnancy test was detected before the woman’s period was due and results in a negative pregnancy test following a period-like bleed.
You were almost there! You had a positive pregnancy test in your hand and something special in your belly. You were just about to throw away your membership to the infertiles club and join the fertile pregnancy club. You and your husband got to celebrate the pregnancy for about 15 minutes when you start to spot. Then you bleed. This doesn’t seem right. Take another pregnancy test. Still positive one day and then negative the next. Well, this is confusing. Are you pregnant or aren’t you? You were so close, and now the moment is gone, leaving a familiar ache in your chest. You wish you could just put a plug down there to stop the bleeding or perhaps some embryo super glue to stick it back in. You will cry for awhile and hurt for a little longer but then you get up, dry your tears, and learn to smile again.
Bloody hell, infertility! Can’t we just get Knocked Up 
like Katherine Heigl did in that movie or have sex only one time like Juno did?
Jan 08
As Seinfeld puts it, sometimes we just don’t want to see the baby. Only an infertile would understand why…. Continue reading »
Jan 05
When starting an IVF cycle, it is important to eat healthy to maximize your chances. But how do you increase your odds when doing a frozen embryo transfer (FET)? That’s simple. Eat frozen foods!
Follow this simple FET diet and your frozen babies should be here in no time!
- Freeze chocolate eggs. What taste better than chocolate? Nothing except frozen chocolate. This dish may be eaten at anytime -morning, noon or night. Don’t be afraid to dip them into a nice glass of wine.
- Freeze real eggs. As eating undercooked eggs is not encouraged for pregnant women, make sure to boil the eggs first before freezing them. Due to grossness, You may or may not want to eat them.
- Frozen chocolate milk. It might not increase your chances of conceiving but it sure will taste great!
- Frozen pineapple popsicles. If you’re eating pineapple anyways to help strengthen your uterine lining, why not freeze it? Both a healthy and delicious snack.
- Frozen mac & cheese. A good combination of tastiness and calories to fatten you up before pregnancy.
- Frozen broccoli. A good source of Folic Acid!
*Disclaimer: The IVF FET diet was created by a “doctor” with limited or no medical background, training or medical degree. Use at your own risk.
Jan 04
Does this sound familiar?
You are sitting on the toilet seat in your bathroom, going about your business, when you remember the used negative pregnancy stick sitting in your garbage can. You take it out of the trash and look at it again. Yup. Still negative. Then a “brilliant” thought enters your mind….. What if you pee on it again and see if it changes to a positive. You know the test instructions claim that it is invalid after 10 minutes but it doesn’t say anything about the validity of a used pregnancy test after 24 hours. And this is when you do the “re-pee.”
RE-PEE
Verb, definition: to urinate on a used pregnancy stick (preferably your own) to see if it changes from negative to positive.
Strangely, when you do the re-pee, nothing happens. Maybe something is wrong with the test! There is still only one line and then you throw the used test back into the trash can. Hide all the evidence. Later, you might confess to your partner or friend what you did. But don’t brag about it. Only an infertile understands the re-pee. Other people just think urinating on a used stick is gross. When clearly, it’s not.
Don’t be ashamed to do the re-pee. It happens to all of us.
photo: here
Jan 03
The two week wait will determine your fate.
It starts with a date with your wedded mate
You need his best Grade A bait to be inserted into your special gate
You pay a large rate and hope Aunt Flow is late
Then, you wait…
During the two week wait, you begin to gain weight
From all that chocolate you ate
Because you just licked the plate
You’re filled with such hate
You’re not feeling too great
And you’re being irrate (which is not a good trait)
You want to crawl underground into a grate
Or at least live in another state
Maybe Kuwait?
You pray that little Kate or baby Nate will be worth the wait
Until then, you wait to see your fate
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