Jan 18
You’ve had a lot of special moments during your infertility journey.
The “this time next year I will be pregnant” moment.
The “I can’t believe IVF didn’t work” moment.
The “all my friends are pregnant but me” moment.
To name just a few…
But the “I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW” moment is extra fun. You did the fertility treatment and you were so sure that this one was going to work. During the two week wait, you had dangerous fantasies like how you would tell your parents or imagining your baby’s due date. Then, the negative pregnancy test happens and your fantasies disappear faster than your cervical mucus. You are now left with the “I should be pregnant right now” moment which includes special moments like:
- Seeing a pregnant woman and thinking “that should be me!”
- Thinking that your sixth week ultrasound would be next week.
- Knowing that you have to pay for ANOTHER round of treatment.
- Thinking that you’ll still have to be a bridesmaid and wear that ugly dress in (fill in the blanks) wedding after all.
- Stopping doing your “I could be pregnant” fake pregnancy waddle.
Now it’s your “I need a strong drink” moment. Someone grab a drink or two or eight. It’s infertility ‘happy’ hour.
photo: here
Jan 18
No doubt, during your infertility journey you’ve had the “Oh my God, will I ever get pregnant?” breakdown. This breakdown can occur at any time and at moment, leaving your partner to believe that you’ve actually gone insane. You cry. You feel angry. You don’t want to talk to anyone who is pregnant or had children. You want to stay in bed all day. You google every pregnancy symptoms. You stick a thermometer in your mouth several times a day. You examine that toilet paper every hour. You stop drinking coffee but then you start drinking it again. It’s official. Infertility has driven you to insanity.
If Children’s Social Services arrived at your house tomorrow, they would totally think this crazy woman wasn’t fit to be a parent.
Children’s Social Services: Would you consider yourself a friendly person?
You: Of course but I do glare at pregnant women or women who look like they could be preggers.
CSS: Are you a patient person?
You: Yes but I tend to get a tad anxious if the fertility clinic doesn’t call me back right away.
CSS: Would you ever cheat on your spouse?
You: Of course not but I have wondered if having multiple sex partners would get me pregnant.
CSS: Are you financially stable to take care of a baby?
You: We were but then we spent thousands on fertility treatments. To save money on groceries, I can breastfeed until they are eight.
CSS: Do you ever think about stealing a baby?
You: Yes. But I wouldn’t do it….I think
I promise, Social Services Lady, I’m completely stable to raise a child. Now here, try some of my delicious Folic Acid, Pineapple, Rasberry Leaf Tea 
Brownies.
photo: here
Jan 17
Doctors recommend that you should be at your ideal weight when trying to conceive.
Oh, so that’s all we have to do? Just lose (or even gain) those extra 10 pounds? Super! That seems so incredibly easy. Perhaps, you were at your ideal weight 3+ years ago and then entered the wonderful world of infertility. You gained extra weight thanks to fertility drugs and then added some additional pounds due to a couple miscarriages. You would have hit the gym but your RE told you to refrain from exercise for a two week period. Then when you tried to exercise, your underwear overflowed with vaginal suppository discharge and you almost tripped on the puddle beneath you. And when you got your period and saw that negative pregnancy test, yet again, did you feel like eating healthy? NO WAY! You had cookies and a bowl of sugar for lunch followed by a bag of potato chips dipped in chocolate liqueur or dinner. But in a way, you have exercised! You’ve had sex almost 5,000 times in the past few years and then did acrobats following including putting pillows under your butt and doing a full handstand.
A few years ago, you might have been at your ideal weight for conceiving but your bank account was also filled with money.
photo: here
Jan 13
The “You Know You’re Infertile When” series continues….
- You find out your mother’s friend’s dry cleaner’s daughter’s Facebook friend’s second cousin’s once removed is pregnant through IVF, and you are still jealous.
- You wear loose fitting shirts and pretend to waddle so people think that you’re pregnant.
- You inspect the toilet paper and your vaginal discharge at least 10 times a day.
- You anticipate hearing pregnancy announcements every time you see your friends.
- You’ve tried to increase your basal temperature by urinating while you take your temp.
- You feel your breasts, subtly, in public for signs of tenderness.
- You stop drinking coffee but then you cheat often.
- Excessive burping and farting during the two week wait excites you.
- You won’t use the telephone for the entire day knowing the fertility clinic will be calling.
- You always look at a stranger’s belly to see if she’s pregnant, and if she is, you glare at her.
Jan 11
If you are a true infertility, you know what the acronym TTC means because you chart your BBT almost everyday. But a serious infertile also knows the full infertility acronyms, SCREW YOU, style.
RE – Retriever of eggs.
BBT – Barren but terrific.
TTC – Trying to come.
WTFAINPY – Why the fuck am I not pregnant yet?
ITOPWIP – I’m the only person who isn’t pregnant.
YHTBITYALSDYT – You had two babies in two years? A little slutty, don’t you think?
MFAAPAAMEAITF – My friends are all pregnant and all my embryos are in the freezer.
ICEGPWTPTSRITE – I can’t even get pregnant when they put the sperm right into the egg.
WIOB – Where is our baby?
IDWTHYPN – I don’t want to hear your pregnancy news.
CMIMFTOM – Cervical mucus is my favorite type of mucus.
WRAIDH – We relaxed and it didn’t happen.
PTATD - Pregnancy tests are the devil.
IGHOFA – I get high on (folic) acid.
ILAMVDMTILAMH – I look at my vaginal discharge more than I look at my husband.
IWSMFCIIHT – I will stalk my fertility clinic if I have to.
IWTSBBIKTTIMH – I want to steal babies but I keep that thought in my head.
WSHH…… We still have hope.
Recent Comments