Jan 21
The infertility advice.
It comes from anyone and everyone from your Great Aunt Mildred (“In my day, I would drink a special tea to get pregnant”) to your eyebrow waxing lady (“I got pregnant by getting really drunk“). Did we ask for your advice? It seems that everyone believes they are qualified to hand out infertility advice but somehow it’s not reciprocal. Your mommy friend can give you advice on your IVF treatment but you can’t give her parenting tips?
MOMMY FRIEND: Little Tommy just won’t sleep through the night. We’re currently trying the Cryhiseyesout method but nothing seems to be working.
YOU: Have you tried a routine and putting him to bed every night at the same time? (Her look says, why is this childless woman giving me parenting advice?)
YOU: We’re going for our fourteenth IVF cycle next month.
MF: I heard putting pillows under your behind after sex will help.
(Your look says, that was so five years ago, lady).
Great news! Everyone is allowed to give you infertility advice and you are not allowed to give out any advice whatsoever. Great. That seems completely fair.
photo: here
Jan 20
It’s strange. You would never describe yourself as a jealous person. A woman could flirt with your husband and you’re mildly flattered. Your friend gets a great promotion and you’re genuinely happy for her.
But when someone gets pregnant, whether a friend or a complete stranger, you’re jealous, evil side emerges.
It doesn’t even matter who it is. You’re completely envious of all your pregnant friends but you are also jealous of complete strangers on the street, Facebook friends from your past, your parents friend’s children, and anyone else who happens to walk by you that could look pregnant. Good lord, they don’t even have to be pregnant to get your jealousy started – you are jealous even if they seem to have an unconfirmed belly budge or if their television character is pregnant. You would even be jealous of a woman who got pregnant knowing that she suffered through years of infertility treatments. You would be jealous if you’re dog was having puppies, Mertie, the bird, got pregnant or even if a cartoon character was expecting. Damm you Marge Simpson! You never had infertility problems with Bart, Lisa or Maggie! You were jealous of the pregnant “man” and wished you could be the Octomom too.
Wow. Bubbles, your goldfish, is having babies. Yup… Still jealous.
Jan 17
Doctors recommend that you should be at your ideal weight when trying to conceive.
Oh, so that’s all we have to do? Just lose (or even gain) those extra 10 pounds? Super! That seems so incredibly easy. Perhaps, you were at your ideal weight 3+ years ago and then entered the wonderful world of infertility. You gained extra weight thanks to fertility drugs and then added some additional pounds due to a couple miscarriages. You would have hit the gym but your RE told you to refrain from exercise for a two week period. Then when you tried to exercise, your underwear overflowed with vaginal suppository discharge and you almost tripped on the puddle beneath you. And when you got your period and saw that negative pregnancy test, yet again, did you feel like eating healthy? NO WAY! You had cookies and a bowl of sugar for lunch followed by a bag of potato chips dipped in chocolate liqueur or dinner. But in a way, you have exercised! You’ve had sex almost 5,000 times in the past few years and then did acrobats following including putting pillows under your butt and doing a full handstand.
A few years ago, you might have been at your ideal weight for conceiving but your bank account was also filled with money.
photo: here
Jan 11
If you are a true infertility, you know what the acronym TTC means because you chart your BBT almost everyday. But a serious infertile also knows the full infertility acronyms, SCREW YOU, style.
RE – Retriever of eggs.
BBT – Barren but terrific.
TTC – Trying to come.
WTFAINPY – Why the fuck am I not pregnant yet?
ITOPWIP – I’m the only person who isn’t pregnant.
YHTBITYALSDYT – You had two babies in two years? A little slutty, don’t you think?
MFAAPAAMEAITF – My friends are all pregnant and all my embryos are in the freezer.
ICEGPWTPTSRITE – I can’t even get pregnant when they put the sperm right into the egg.
WIOB – Where is our baby?
IDWTHYPN – I don’t want to hear your pregnancy news.
CMIMFTOM – Cervical mucus is my favorite type of mucus.
WRAIDH – We relaxed and it didn’t happen.
PTATD - Pregnancy tests are the devil.
IGHOFA – I get high on (folic) acid.
ILAMVDMTILAMH – I look at my vaginal discharge more than I look at my husband.
IWSMFCIIHT – I will stalk my fertility clinic if I have to.
IWTSBBIKTTIMH – I want to steal babies but I keep that thought in my head.
WSHH…… We still have hope.
Jan 08
As Seinfeld puts it, sometimes we just don’t want to see the baby. Only an infertile would understand why…. Continue reading »
The infertility advice.
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