1. I heard about this lady who got implanted with the wrong embryo. Did that happen at your fertility clinic?
The thought has crossed your mind a million times that your clinic could implant the wrong sperm or egg. After all, your little eggies and his not-so-fast sperm are outside your body and hanging around a lab room. You’ve heard stories where a fertility doctor was sued because she implanted the wrong embryo into the wrong uterus. But unless your future baby comes out a completely different color, speaks a foreign language or looks exactly like the other couple doing IVF at the same time as you, then you’re keeping the baby. Hell, you’ll keep the baby regardless.
2. You can have one of my eggs!
First of all, thank you for the pretend offer. If you really mean it, then you will inject yourself with fertility drugs for 4-6 weeks, feel swollen and bloated, and then retrieve your eggs under general anesthesia. Second of all, I’d rather use my own, better-looking DNA. I’d rather my children not inherit your extra large forehead. Third, the only eggs I’ll take from you are the one’s in your fridge. The Omega threes. Thanks again for the pretend offer but I’ll pass.
3. We just relaxed and it just happened!
Neat-o, for you! I’ll ask my doctor if relaxing will improve my disgruntled uterus, my lack of fallopian tubes and my rapidly maturing eggs.
4. I am going to announce my pregnancy at your birthday party next week!
Tell me right before you are going to make your announcement and I’ll smash the cake in your face. The photos will be priceless!
5. Did you ever try Clomid?
Do you even know what Clomid is? If you can tell me what Clomid is used for, then I’ll be impressed.
6. My cousin’s neighbor’s friend did IVF. Do you want her phone number?
Sure. I’d love to call up a complete stranger and talk about my personal fertility issues. (Ring, Ring. Hello? Hi. You don’t know me but I got your number from someone I don’t know either. My husband has low sperm motility and we are going through IVF right now. Want to chat about it over coffee and a butter tart?).
7. I found your fertility medication in the fridge and I accidentally threw it in the garbage. Is that a problem?
I found a wad of twenty dollar bills in your wallet and did the same. Is that a problem?
8. Do you want to come salsa dancing after your IUI procedure?
During my two week wait, I don’t want to shake my belly or move my body at all. I would like to stay still for exactly ten days straight whether it’s logical or not.
9. You don’t look pregnant.
Never tell an infertile that she doesn’t look pregnant. She wants to be pregnant. She wants to look pregnant. She wants to feel that she could be pregnant. Telling her she looks a bit fat this month will make her happy.
10. When I was your age, I had four children by now.
That’s just wonderful, Great Aunt Gerta, but I wouldn’t be so proud of yourself. Your children didn’t turn out that great. Debbie had a kid at 15 years old; Patsy married her first cousin; Billy-Bob won a hot dog eating contest four years in a row, and isn’t Lenny a full-time juggler? Again, congratulations on procreating.