“That baby looks good on you.”
“ and it will happen.”
“You’re next!”
“When are you getting pregnant?”
It doesn’t matter if you live in North America, in the UK or another country, people seem to make the exact same comments to infertiles. How did they learn to make these same comments? In the stone ages, did a group of people just get together one day and determine the phrases that would be used to make infertile women miserable? Perhaps, a mother dinosaur gave her daughter a disapproving stares when daughter dino failed to become pregnant. Maybe, a mother ape tried telling her daughter to ‘just relax’ after months of failed intercourse. Go to a small village at the other side of the world and you can almost guarantee that a relative living in a man-made hut is asking an infertile woman why she isn’t pregnant yet. In some remote location, in the middle of the world, where television and Internet is still non-existent, a nosy neighbor is advising a woman to drink some magical juice and she will get pregnant.
We all may live at different ends of the world but we all seem to feel the exact same way. It’s nice to know we are not alone.
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Maybe because women talk about pregnancy and conception more, but these comments ALWAYS seem to be directed at the woman. Like male factor infertility doesn't exist. If a couple isn't pregnant, it HAS to be because of something the woman is/isn't doing.
I totally agree! Just this morning, our insurance lady goes to church with us. I was asking her about how much would be covered with fertility meds, appts, surgeries, etc…of course it covers nothing! BUT, she was sure to reassure me that she just went through this with her daughter and she now has 3 lovely kids to show for it! I'm not her daughter, she does not have to tell me not to give up hope, and she was completely surprised when I told her that my hubby is having trouble also! It's so frustrating!
I heard all four of these from four different people just this weekend!
Perfect timing, just had the first comment (followed by "You better get on it!) at least once today while holding our friend's baby after church. Sadly, they dashed away before I could say "yeah, well it'll happen when God and modern medicine pull together for a miracle, thanks".
Sigh.
The magical juice comment cracked me up. My infertile coworker is from Tonga and her in-laws keep wanting her to come visit so some local witch doctor can rub her belly with nasty smelling things and chant over it. We always joke about the weird infertility "cures" we've heard. The grossest one being that you can cure infertility if you drink each other's pee. Sorry, I want a baby, but not enough to drink my hubby's pee and him to drink mine!
The reason we called our infertility (and susequent pregnancy) podcast "Just Relax, It'll Happen" was because people said it to us so much when we were trying. Closely followed by "what you need to do is go on a holiday – this person I know tried for ages, then went to *insert glamourous destination here* and came be pregnant!".
It's hard to explain to people that sometimes no amount of relaxing will handle it, and you just need a variety of hormone-adjusting drugs, self-injections, and the wonders of modern medicine for a chance at that thing which everyone else seems to find so easy!
Ugh these comments kill me, they kill me! But yes, we are not alone…sadly
Hahahah… I have just found your post and your blog and it is gold… I too get nearly every one of these with monotonous regularity.
Love that comment "you better get on it." Oh, we've been on it for years now.
Welcome new infertile readers!
I heard all 4 this weekend too!! Thank you for this blog, it makes me feel a little less crazy when I read how not alone we really are. Sure feels that way in this neck of the woods though.
One time I got one of those relax comments from an old high school friend (who had gone to nursing school incidentally) and I flipped. I said "I am 35 years old and ahve been trying for 3 years. Do you think I haven't gone to a fricken doctor about this?!".
We were in a group setting. No one else asked me about it that night. EEk!
My ob/gyn (of all people!!!) told me to relax right after he handed me a prescription for clomid. Thanks, doc. So are you saying I don't really need this prescription, after all? If only you'd told me to relax two years ago..
The “he looks just like you” cuts like a knife.
Actually he looks like my sister-in-law, but she is too strung out to take care of any of her kidS! So that is why he lives with us.
And the “I know someone who got pregnant while adopting” sucks too, Yeah I got pregnant but then I wasn’t anymore.
Spain goes the same, just add the catholic stygma and all the literature dealing with the doom of being sterile (Lorca’s Yerma for instance) to get more fun: relax and it’ll happen whenever God wants… or are you such a sinner that you don’tdeserve to be a mother? there was a lot of indignation when our Minitry of Justice (dealing with th new law to regulate abortion) said that one can only be called wonan if she is a mother. Goshhhh